Self-love

No One Is You And This Is Your True Power

Today, instead of comparing yourself to another, what if you focused on how amazing you are? You have your own unique journey to explore. When we compare and try and live our lives through someone else’s journey, we dim our own internal light.

No one is you and this is your true power.

When it comes to dating and heartbreak, it can be tempting to look at the person our ex is newly dating and think; what does she have that I don’t?

The answer is, nothing.

You’re not comparable. If he’s not with you, he’s not the one for you. She’s not better than you; he’s just not the right one for you. It’s not about her, and him being with her, doesn’t make you any less amazing.

No one is you and this is your true power.

You want someone who is going to choose you, for you. And remember, you choose them too. Why would you want someone who does not choose you back?

Obsessing over what she has that you don’t have only distracts you from how great you truly are. Think about it this way, she doesn’t have anything that you have, because you are uniquely you.

No one is you and this is your true power. You are most powerful, as you.

Don’t live a life trying to be anything other than your ultimate self. Don’t waste another day living a life that doesn’t speak to your true passion and who you really are. Instead of spending your time comparing yourself to others, work on spending time mastering your own internal love and journey.

You’re already enough, just as you are. This world is so lucky to have you, when you believe that, you’re unstoppable.

Are You Making Your Life About THE Relationship?

Do you live your life thinking everything will change once you have the relationship of your dreams in your life?

For certain, your life will change immensely when your partner comes into your life. Relationships are all about lessons and growth, helping us to meet our full potential.

But that person in reality is not going to be perfect themselves and will not be able to ascertain your life path for you.

You are responsible for your own happiness. You are responsible for doing the work needed to ensure you’re living your life to your up most potential.

If you didn’t love yourself before your partner came in, your self-love struggle will still exist beyond the relationship.

I have at times put so much emphasis on “the relationship” because I can energetically feel what it would be like to be with him. It’s like “the relationship” is the final destination you live your life for.

The anticipation before your partner comes in can be exciting and perplexing at times. There can be a lot of build up in your mind. There is a tendency to place more emphasis on the relationship coming to you, then anything else. You may have the idea that the relationship is the only thing to bring you ultimate happiness.

What I am starting to understand even with my person in my life, is that true happiness and love comes from within.

As much love as you hold with that person, you’re still tasked with following your own personal destiny, something that should be important to you to fulfill.

Putting yourself first and foremost can be scary because everything feels much safer in the mindset of “the relationship.” However, when we focus on ourselves, live our lives in love and in purpose, we in turn become better partners and better lovers.

When we love ourselves first, our lives are no longer about “the relationship,” our lives are about two loving souls sharing a partnership in life.

 

 

 

Do You Have Self-Love? Try These Self-love Exercise’s

It’s extremely hard to make anything work in your dating life when you don’t have self-love.

Placing pressure on someone else to fulfill the inner love that you do not have for yourself, can be a lot for a partner to handle. This pressure often results in the implosion of the relationship.

The journey to true self-love is a long one, a journey that is often tested with multiple detours and lessons along the way.

So how do you know if you have self-love to begin with? Let’s start with how you would answer the following questions in one of these two self-love exercises:

  • Do you feel like you lose yourself in your relationships?
  • Do you make the relationship all about the other person first and foremost?
  • When faced with a break-up do you feel like a piece of you is missing?
  • Do you always think your partner is going to leave you for someone better?
  • Do you feel devastated and paralyzed when you hear about someone not liking you?
  • Do believe yourself to be beautiful/handsome (by your own standards)?
  • Do you generally feel happy with your life?
  • Do you make time to take care of your mind and body (unique to each individual – i.e. yoga, gym, meditation etc.)?
  • Is it hard for you to believe when someone compliments you?
  • Do you believe in yourself?
  • Do you believe you’re loveable?

Take the time to really reflect on your answers to these questions. Remember, the journey to self-love is ever evolving, be gentle with yourself.

Next, try the following self-love exercise.

  1. First, write down all the characteristics you would want in your ultimate partner. These characteristics can be a combination of physical, emotional, spiritual, and intellectual – whatever you feel most drawn to.
  1. Next, write down all the characteristics YOU bring to a partnership.

I have found these self-love exercises to be extremely telling. You may find it harder to make the list of characteristics you bring to a partnership if you’re struggling with self-love. If you’re truly struggling, ask a friend to help you start populating the list. Sometimes outsiders can bring a fresh perspective to our over critical selves.

Self-care is an essential piece in maintaining self-love. When I talk about self-care, I am not just talking about hitting the gym, I’m talking about taking time out to recharge and relax. We spend so much time racing around in our lives, trying to please other people and meet the next big milestone, we don’t take the time out needed for ourselves. Even if it’s just a nice warm bath every night before you go to bed, take the time you need to love your mind and body.

It’s so important to know first and foremost you’re already good enough and no partner determines if you’re loveable or not.

All you can do is strive to be the best possible version of you every day.

When we love ourselves first, we more easily identify what is good or bad for our highest good.

When we immerse ourselves in self-love and self-care, the stresses and relationships that used to bring us to our knees, no longer seem as life critical.

 

Why I use Meditation As My Dating Superpower

I have struggled with anxiety my whole life, especially when I was faced with the early death of my father over 10 years ago.

The death of my father brought all my insecurities and deep hidden triggers to the forefront. I struggled with thoughts of all men inevitably leaving me and if it was my fault.

When things did not work out with some of the men I dated, I would go into a tailspin, often blaming myself first and looking for anything I did wrong in the relationship, moment by moment.

Plagued with feelings of self-doubt and perpetual anxiety, I felt paralyzed when I was going through a break-up or in an ambiguous time in a relationship.

Even if nothing was actually wrong, I would go to the worse case scenario in my head when I did not hear from a guy.

It was truly a horrible way to live and experience my dating relationships.

And then I discovered meditation.

I am by no means an expert when it comes to meditation. Meditation for me is an opportunity to bring me back into my body. When we over analyze, there is a tendency to get worked up, creating somewhat of an outer body experience that perpetuates the situation and can even make it seem worse than it actually is. The act of meditation for me is to bring me back into my body and out of my analytical head. Through meditation you’re able to quiet the over analytical brain and ground yourself.

Next time you’re overanalyzing if you’re going to hear from him, find yourself spinning out, questioning a recent break-up, crying uncontrollably or feeling sick with anxiety, try the following:

  1. Find a quiet spot to sit down or lie down (depending on your preference). I prefer to lay down on my bed but choose a nice, quiet, safe place where you will not be interrupted. Is there a time of day that feels better to do this? I prefer right before I go to sleep.
  2. Make sure your phone is on vibrate or off (no distractions).
  3. Close your eyes and just start by focusing on your breathing.
  4. Take deep, slow breaths into your belly, in and out. Essentially you want to breathe in until you can’t anymore and then slowly let it out, but don’t force it.
  5. When a thought comes into your head, acknowledge it and as best you can try to direct your attention back to your breathing. This can seem really hard at first, especially if you’re in a worried state but just keep bringing your thoughts back to your breath.
  6. How long should I meditate for? As long as you need. I try to stay in a meditative state for at least a half an hour but at first I could only do it for a few minutes at a time. There is no judgement here. Take as long as you need and do not be hard on yourself. There is no “exact right way” to meditate. Even a minute of this practice can help. What I have found with meditation is, it takes practice to get comfortable.
  7. When you’re ready to complete your meditation, notice how your body feels. Have you’re anxiety levels come down? What thoughts came up for you during this time? Acknowledge it all.

At first, meditation almost felt painful for me because I did not want to let go of my thoughts. It seemed impossible to quiet my brain but the more I kept up with my meditative practice, I began to relax into it.  I learned to let everything else go, even if it was only for those few minutes I could meditate.

I find through meditation things become a lot clearer for me. Situations I thought were stressful, no longer seem as stressful. We attach meaning to situations that are not always accurate when in a state of fear. Instead, just take a moment to breathe.

Meditation is a way of telling myself, “You’re OK and you will be OK.”

I could argue that I have many dating “superpowers” that have brought success in my dating life but this is one superpower I use especially when things appear unknown or stressful in my dating life.

Meditation is the true key to bring you back to you and back to self-love.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes, It’s Not All About You

Depositphotos_23340328_mSometimes, it’s not all about you.

One of the most anxiety provoking things we can do when things are not going well in our dating lives, is make it about us.

It becomes this perpetual cycle where the outcome of all our relationships is our fault. If you were good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, he would be with you, right?

Sometimes, it’s not all about you.

He may cheat on you because he has some sort of imbedded insecurities, is not ready for a relationship or you two are not meant to be together, not necessarily because you’re not good enough.

Your relationship may not have worked out because the timing was off or he wasn’t the right one, it’s not because you’re not good enough.

Dating and relationships are tough and take work, that is not under debate. It’s important to know what you bring to the table and be self-aware enough to know what you still have to work on. But when you put all the onus of the outcome of your relationships on your own head, it starts to plant seeds of insecurity and before you know it, you begin to believe that if you were good enough, he would be with you.

There are a lot of factors that are involved in if a relationship is successful or not, including, readiness and timing. Some of these factors you ultimately have no control over.

Dating takes two equal contributors and sometimes it really just comes down to those two contributors just were not right for each other.

Making everything about you creates a downward spiral of mistrust and insecurity in your mind.

All you can do is be yourself and put your best foot forward in your dating relationships. Be you.

If things don’t work out, talk about it with that person if you can, learn from it and move forward. If there are things you want to improve upon, do it but don’t make everything “bad” that happens to you, about you.

Sometimes, things fall apart and there is nothing we can do about it.

Dwelling and overanalyzing about what we could have done differently really takes away our freedom to move forward and love ourselves.

Sometimes, it’s really not all about you.

 

 

How To Build Confidence AND What Confident People Do Differently

Posted 04/18/15 by Sarah Kotz and filed under:

Charming young brunette.Confidence is really a state of mind.  If you don’t believe in yourself and trust yourself it can really haunt your personal and social life.

Building confidence is somewhat of a journey.  We build confidence through our relationships and experiences.

But what is confidence?  Do you ever look at someone who appears confident and wonder what they have or what they’re doing that is so different?

The Huffington Post highlighted, 9 Little-Known Habits of Confident People.  

What I liked about this article is that it presents 9 habits that most people over look or take for granted.  We often pair confidence with how we look.  Confidence really comes from within and how we “self-talk” can make or break the level of confidence we attain.  Building confidence takes time and training your brain to view and approach life under a different lens, can be challenging.

Anyone is capable of attaining confidence.  When we build up our internal confidence it naturally seeps out into our exterior perceived confidence.

Would you choose beautiful? See what happened in this Dove social experiment

Posted 04/13/15 by Sarah Kotz and filed under:

Fashionable young brunette.

Today women are often bombarded with pictures and media that portrays this perfect (photoshopped) ideal woman that everyone should want to be.  The culture has almost created an environment where women are hesitant to even say they’re beautiful anymore.  And those that do label themselves as beautiful often get labelled “cocky” or “shallow.”

Dove released a social experiment called #ChooseBeautiful that challenged women to decide to be beautiful and reevaluate their self-image.

Check out this social experiment highlighted by BoredPanda

What door would you have chosen?  I hope you choose beautiful.

 

4 Proven Qualities Of A Successful Dater

smiling blonde

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How you ever tried to make a relationship “fit” even though it continued to disappoint you? Have you tried to turn a guy into the “one” even though he was far from it? Are you crippled when someone rejects you?

The journey through dating can feel like torture sometimes.   A journey, that can be bring about feelings of fear, worry, anxiousness, panic and sometimes even obsession.  But what if you could diminish some of those horrible feelings and start to enjoy your dating life?

In Kathryn Alice’s article Dating Done DifferentlyKathryn endorses 4 qualities that can turn dating into a potentially enjoyable experience.  Whether you’re spiritual or not, it’s important to look at these qualities as fundamental dating qualities that can be applied universally, regardless of belief.

The 4 qualities of a successful dater are as follows:

1 – Faith  

Faith can mean many things to people, for the purpose of this article, faith to me means; trust. Trusting that the right person for you will come. When you trust in what is happening to you and have faith that you’ll meet the right person for you, you begin to relax and stop trying to force things to happen. There are so many people who settle for relationships due to lack of faith. Often times these relationships are created based on fear of loneliness. With faith, you no longer feel the pressure to settle for someone who is not compatible with you. Instead, you trust in yourself and that the type of relationship you want will come.

2 – Honouring 

Honouring is, accepting yourself and others for who they are.   Eliminate the need to project your characteristics of the “one” to try to mould your date into something they ‘re not. One of the best practices I have implemented in my dating life is honouring. It can be extremely difficult not to project the fact that you want the next person to come along to be the “one”, especially if you’ve been single for a while. It’s important to be present with each person you date and experience them, for who they are and not who you want them to be.

Be honest with your date. If you don’t see the relationship going forward, tell them. In turn, if someone tells you they’re not interested, trust their words. As much as I can, I am open, honest and clear with the men I date. If I am not interested, I do not leave them hanging or string them along. I communicate with these men, as I would want to be communicated with.

Whether it’s because of our lack of faith, depleted self-love or ego, we can get stuck on trying to convince someone to like us or even love us.   Pining and trying to convince someone to love you can distract you from being available to someone who is actually interested. Do not manipulate rejection to mean you’re not good enough. Rejection only means that the person was not the right fit for you.

3 – Self-love

A lot of people find the term “self-love” to be cliché but it is actually an essential part of successful dating. When you don’t love and respect yourself, disaster ensues in your dating relationships.   You often enter and stay in relationships that you would not otherwise have been a part of.

I was in a 5.5-year relationship a few years ago that was plagued with lying and deceit. The man I was dating at the time would break up with me at least once a year and use this time to have sex with and date as many girls as possible. Each time he would break up with me, my self-esteem would deplete so much that when he returned, I would always take him back. It took me a long time to regain my self-love and make the choice to break free from this toxic relationship. As a result, I was able to strengthen my self-love and my build my confidence back. When that happened, my life began to change and new positive relationships started to pop up.

Through self-love you trust yourself to create healthy boundaries and stick to them. Self-love also means that you love yourself enough to walk away when you’re not being loved or respected. When you have self-love you know that even through rejection, you’re still good enough.

4 – Patience

This is a hard one for most, even for me.  Accepting that now might not be the right timing for you and a relationship can be a hard to comprehend.  Watching your friends frolic in their love lives, even watching complete strangers kiss or hold hands in public can be painful at times and too much for those that are trying to exert patience. However, expressing impatience is not going to get your future partner to you any sooner.

Instead of resorting to panicking, throwing a fit or worse case, settling, take this time to focus on yourself. Explore things that make you happy and bring you joy. Use this time, to hone in on what makes you great. Focus on your career, take up a new hobby, and enjoy the time you have with your friends and your family.   Even use this time to date (if that’s what feels right). You can learn a lot about yourself just from dating and about the characteristics you’re looking for in a partner. When you adapt patience, you learn that you do not have to settle.

By adapting these qualities of a successful dater, your feelings of fear, worry, anxiousness, panic and obsession will start to diminish.  The fact that you’re not in a relationship will no longer seem as painful. You will begin to enjoy your dating experiences for what they are, while attracting potential partners that meet and/or exceed your expectations.

 

 

 

 

Perfectionism and Dating Don’t Work

Female face before plastic surgery operation

In the perfectionist culture we live in today it’s hard not to be bombarded with thoughts of, “Am I good enough?” and “What will they think of me?”  Maybe some days you question, “Will he even like me for me?”

Our culture tries to convince us that through perfectionism we will attain true happiness and joy.  The culture further instills thoughts in our heads that if we are perfect enough, we’ll have no problems finding and keeping a great partner.

We are led to believe that,

  • If we were skinny enough/fit enough;
  • If we were smart enough;
  • If we made more money and were more successful, then we would be happier.

The sad part is, the list of perquisites for being perfect goes on and on.

Perfectionism and dating doesn’t work.  By incorporating the pursuit of perfectionism into our dating lives, we can derail our relationships before they even get started.

I am going to go out on a limb here, but despite our individual thoughts on perfection, perfection is boring.  It is not authentically you.  No one wants to date a robot; someone who cannot laugh at their own mistakes and freaks out at the slightest thing that “goes wrong”. Ultimately no one wants to date someone who takes life so seriously that it strips the joy and fun out of their lives and the lives of those that are in their proximity.

By pursuing perfection we often become obsessive and never satisfied, because in reality, what is perfect?  It’s all relative to the person.  We ruin amazing opportunities for great people to get to know the real, authentic person within, because we’re always striving to essentially be something that we’re not.

When we try to attain perfection, we always end up disappointed and feeling unworthy.

Now there is a difference between perfectionism and striving to be the best possible version of you.  Perfectionism is something that society has dictated as the way we’re meant to be and you subscribe to that belief and consequently take action to become that ultimate being.  On the other hand, striving to be the best possible you, means to me that, you feel generally:

  • Comfortable in your own body;
  • That you feel joy with the work that you do everyday;
  • That you feel successful;
  • And that you feel good enough, as you are.

The fact of the matter is, you will never be perfect but you can be perfectly you.

I am one person that has always struggled with a perfectionist mentality, always wanting to be the prettiest, funniest, smartest and most intelligent ideal version of myself.  It’s frankly exhausting and an existence that can be often times plagued with anxiety.

What I’ve learned is, by letting go of what people think or what I thought they were going to think of me, I became happier and more confident.  By letting go of the perfectionism and the need to appear perfect all the time, I could relax and really hone in on what really made me great, imperfections and all.  The act of letting go was a true expression of my own self-love.

You see, perfectionism and dating doesn’t work because no one is perfect.  By allowing ourselves to be seen for who we really are, we’re presented with an immense opportunity to find a partner who loves us for who we are, not some non-sustainable version of you.  But the best part is, by letting go and allowing ourselves to be seen, we begin to love ourselves whole-heartedly, no mask.

 

 

 

 

Combating Self-Doubt In Relationships

Young pretty woman

When someone you care about tries to tear you down, instil fear or self-doubt in your mind, whether that is a family member, friend or someone you’re dating, it can literally feel like a dagger to the heart.

We have all encountered those people who, no matter what, they just cannot seem to be happy for you.  Instead of words of encouragement they always seem to find things that are “wrong” with what you’re doing or saying.  They point out things that other people may not necessarily even think to notice or comment on.  It’s almost as if they want you to feel insecure so that you don’t succeed. Their actions and words are subtle.  Words of encouragement are quickly followed by phrases such as; Are you sure?  That is not how I would do it.  Maybe you should do (insert blank) instead.

These are the types of people who truly catch me off guard.  They are life leaches holding on for dear life, living in a place of fear wanting to suck everyone else in with them.  They don’t necessarily do it intentionally, but have you ever heard the term, “misery loves company?”

These are the people who don’t necessarily live for passion, success, growth and development, they live in fear and for comfort.  How people choose to live their lives is their own business as far as I am concerned.  It’s natural to be worried about someone you care about but to place self-doubt in another because it’s not how you would go about your life, is misguided.

Combating self-doubt in relationships, can be hard when the person you care about start’s picking away at who you are and the way you live your life. In my friends and family relationships I have encountered some fear and hesitation around the quitting of my corporate management job to pursue my writing and coaching career.  I suppose their reactions most of the time came from a place of fear of my well-being.  They wanted me to be okay and I was doing something that was in essence outside of the box, with no assured outcome.  Some even tried to convince me to stay at my job or to become anonymous in my writing endeavours, despite my steadfast desire to pursue my dream.

In my dating relationships I have been lucky enough to say I have only encountered two individuals that ever intentionally/unintentionally tore me down.  I remember one guy in particular trying to literally quiz me on anything and everything to watch me squirm when I did not get an answer right.  It could have been a math question or the location of a country on a map; it didn’t matter.  They were such obscure questions and he would do it in such a manner as to catch me off guard, by asking me out of the blue, in inopportune times.  He wanted to prove a point to me, he was smarter and I was not.  The less intelligent he thought I felt, the more inclined I would be willing to stay with him.  He wanted that control because of his own insecurities.

I quickly learned how insecure he was.  The act of him trying to break me down, really had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him and what he thought of himself.  He thought that the only way to keep me was for me to feel as insecure as he was.  Insecure people don’t leave.

When combating self-doubt in relationships, it’s important to understand that when someone expresses actions or words of self-doubt, belittling or fear towards you, it’s really not about you.  It’s not even necessarily how they actually feel about you or what you’re doing, it’s entirely all about them. 

How someone see’s themself really has an effect on how they approach the world and the people in their lives.  Those that live in a place of fear or insecurity tend to project that on others.  In my friends and family example, their response to me, is really coming from a place of love and fear.  However, in my dating example, this is an abusive and controlling approach.  It’s important to remove yourself from people’s live’s who use subtle (or not so subtle) manipulation techniques to provoke insecurity in you.

Instead of letting someone’s words or actions break you down or delay you from pursuing your dream, have compassion for them and continue to follow your gut.  Combating self-doubt in relationships requires you to be extremely selective of the people you keep in your circle and if they’re not adding value and positivity to your life, have the strength to walk away.

Believing in yourself and trusting your gut through these moments will ultimately help guide you.