Archive for break-up strategies

Why I use Meditation As My Dating Superpower

I have struggled with anxiety my whole life, especially when I was faced with the early death of my father over 10 years ago.

The death of my father brought all my insecurities and deep hidden triggers to the forefront. I struggled with thoughts of all men inevitably leaving me and if it was my fault.

When things did not work out with some of the men I dated, I would go into a tailspin, often blaming myself first and looking for anything I did wrong in the relationship, moment by moment.

Plagued with feelings of self-doubt and perpetual anxiety, I felt paralyzed when I was going through a break-up or in an ambiguous time in a relationship.

Even if nothing was actually wrong, I would go to the worse case scenario in my head when I did not hear from a guy.

It was truly a horrible way to live and experience my dating relationships.

And then I discovered meditation.

I am by no means an expert when it comes to meditation. Meditation for me is an opportunity to bring me back into my body. When we over analyze, there is a tendency to get worked up, creating somewhat of an outer body experience that perpetuates the situation and can even make it seem worse than it actually is. The act of meditation for me is to bring me back into my body and out of my analytical head. Through meditation you’re able to quiet the over analytical brain and ground yourself.

Next time you’re overanalyzing if you’re going to hear from him, find yourself spinning out, questioning a recent break-up, crying uncontrollably or feeling sick with anxiety, try the following:

  1. Find a quiet spot to sit down or lie down (depending on your preference). I prefer to lay down on my bed but choose a nice, quiet, safe place where you will not be interrupted. Is there a time of day that feels better to do this? I prefer right before I go to sleep.
  2. Make sure your phone is on vibrate or off (no distractions).
  3. Close your eyes and just start by focusing on your breathing.
  4. Take deep, slow breaths into your belly, in and out. Essentially you want to breathe in until you can’t anymore and then slowly let it out, but don’t force it.
  5. When a thought comes into your head, acknowledge it and as best you can try to direct your attention back to your breathing. This can seem really hard at first, especially if you’re in a worried state but just keep bringing your thoughts back to your breath.
  6. How long should I meditate for? As long as you need. I try to stay in a meditative state for at least a half an hour but at first I could only do it for a few minutes at a time. There is no judgement here. Take as long as you need and do not be hard on yourself. There is no “exact right way” to meditate. Even a minute of this practice can help. What I have found with meditation is, it takes practice to get comfortable.
  7. When you’re ready to complete your meditation, notice how your body feels. Have you’re anxiety levels come down? What thoughts came up for you during this time? Acknowledge it all.

At first, meditation almost felt painful for me because I did not want to let go of my thoughts. It seemed impossible to quiet my brain but the more I kept up with my meditative practice, I began to relax into it.  I learned to let everything else go, even if it was only for those few minutes I could meditate.

I find through meditation things become a lot clearer for me. Situations I thought were stressful, no longer seem as stressful. We attach meaning to situations that are not always accurate when in a state of fear. Instead, just take a moment to breathe.

Meditation is a way of telling myself, “You’re OK and you will be OK.”

I could argue that I have many dating “superpowers” that have brought success in my dating life but this is one superpower I use especially when things appear unknown or stressful in my dating life.

Meditation is the true key to bring you back to you and back to self-love.

 

 

 

 

Cyber Stalking Your Ex? 3 Proven Ways To Help You Stop

are you cyber stalking your ex?
I honestly wish we lived in an age where you could break up with someone and they would go to the perpetual island where you would never have to hear or see them again.

It’s even harder to deal with breakups while being inundated by your ex’s social media platforms or worse seeking the information out.

We’ve all been guilty of it; you break up with a guy, you could even think you hate him but you’re so addicted to knowing what is going on with his life that you can’t help but check out that most recent Instagram post or see who he added on Facebook.

Cyber stalking your ex only leads to a lot of assumptions, assumptions that may not even be true!  Cyber stalking your ex delays you from moving forward, focusing on yourself and potentially making you available for someone who actually wants to step up and be in your life.

Next time you want to cyber stalk your ex keep the following in mind:

  • You’ll feel worse after you look. Do you really need that heart attack?
  • You don’t even know what is going on even if you do look (even if you think you know, you don’t).
  • It really doesn’t matter, it’s his loss for letting you go.

Instead of taking the cyber stalking route, try:

1.  Deleting/Blocking him  

It’s totally fine to delete or block your ex if his social media is causing you distress.  Don’t worry, if he really wants to be a part of your life, a minor deletion/blockage won’t stop him.

2.  Stay busy

Most people cyber stalk their ex when they’re bored or intoxicated.  Go out with friends, go to the gym, take a yoga class; whatever you need to do to refocus yourself in a positive direction.

3.  Make a promise to a friend

This may sound weird, but make a promise to a friend that you will not cyber stalk your ex.  Make the promise to someone who you know will call you out if you have a weak moment.  This is desperate measures time.

Trust me, you will feel a million times better if you follow these guidelines.  Why settle for scraps of information from someone who frankly is not convincing you they should be a part of your life?  Stop the cyber stalking and open yourself up to the possibility that there could be someone out there who won’t make you feel so insecure that you need to cyber stalk and interpret their social media.

He’s out there, I know it.

Break-up Strategies: Are you in love with the idea of him?

Are you in love with the idea of him?
Have you ever pined and agonized over a guy for weeks or even months when the relationship didn’t work out or for someone perhaps you barely even knew?

I read a post the other week on The Daily Love that talked about people being in love with the idea of the person or the idea of being in love, not necessarily the person themselves.

I can’t count how many times I fell hard for a person, only for it to crumble and found it excruciating to get over them.

Looking back on the end of some of my long-term relationships, I believe I made it harder on myself to get over the person because I would be concentrating on the good parts of the relationship and forgetting the true reasons why we broke up.  In some cases, I even tried to get the person back, regardless of the reasons that lead to the demise of the relationship.  In most respects, the rationale behind my thoughts and actions were from a place of love, I was in love with the idea of being in love.  Because I wanted to be in love so bad, I created this unrealistic view of the person I was with.

For those short-lived dating relationships, I saw a similar pattern come about in my life.  I would meet these guys who probably from the get-go where by no means right for me, but I would mold them in my head and in my life to fit what I wanted to believe.  I was creating a faulty connection.  This meant that sometimes I did not have that much in common with a guy or they met expectations of who I thought I should be with.  In the end, it never seemed right and eventually the relationship failed.  Often times I over stayed these relationships, long after they should have ended.

So how did I minimize the pining for the types of relationships that were not right for me?

In addition to focusing on activities that brought about feelings of self-love, I created a list of all the reasons why we broke up.  I would email this list to myself so that I had it on hand whenever I found myself faltering and starting to only think about the “good times.”  As much as I needed to, I would refer back to this list until I was in a place of clarity; where I could see the relationship for what it was.

I do believe when it comes to relationships you will find the person that is best suited for you.  But this won’t happen if you continue to settle or create relationships and connections that are not there.  You will be able to get over someone a lot faster and easier by accepting the relationship for what it was, not creating an idea in your head of what you wanted it to be.

Get out of those relationships that are not serving you and open yourself to true love so that it will no longer be an idea, thought or wish in your head, true love will be reality.

What are some of your break-up strategies to minimize the pining, obsessing and longing to revert back?

 

 

Ex Detox: How To Detox From Your Ex

The Intoxicating Allure
Have you ever felt even more drawn to your ex after you broke up?

I have been guilty a few times of hanging out and having sex with my ex after we’ve broken up.  There is something so addictive, intoxicating and easy about having your ex around when you want to vent, snuggle, go out or have sex.  At times, it feels like hanging out with your ex is way easier than trying to find someone new to date.  Your ex knows you; there is a comfort there that is not easily replaced.

Is this a relationship?  Sounds like it, but no.  Your ex is your ex for a reason.  So easily we forget this and get caught up in the cycle of breaking up and getting back together.

The first few weeks feel like death after a relationship has ended.  Getting used to not only no longer seeing your ex anymore, but not receiving any texts or phone calls is extremely hard.  It’s like you’re in ex detox (and really you are), which makes you want them back even more.  This is where a lot of us make the mistake of crawling back and asking for another chance.  It seems easier to feel the pain of being in a relationship that is not right, rather than the pain of temporarily being alone.

To some degree we can get the initial uncomfortable and adjustment feelings mixed up with our fears generated from our ego.  Our ego tells us that we need this validation from the other person, proof that they still want us and that we meant something to them.  And there we go again, crawling back, asking them for another chance.

Our ego also stimulates our need for drama in our relationships; we become addicted to the ups and downs. This is what we come to expect and accept as normal in our relationships.  All relationships have ups and downs, this is not that type of relationship problems I am talking about.  It’s when you have definitively decided time and time again that your relationship is over for good reason and keep going back for more pain, this is where things become unhealthy.

There is also the intoxicating allure of the break-up sex.  Everything seems more exciting for a while after you have broken up.  You’re not talking about your problems or your relationship for that matter and are just having fun.  It’s all just a distraction though, this feeling is only temporary, it’s not real.

The fact of the matter is the relationship didn’t work for a reason.  It’s no one’s fault in the end.  Dragging it on only delays the inevitable, another break-up.  And so the cycle continues.

But what about the exceptions?  There are those people who break up and end up getting back together, getting married and living happily ever after.  I am sure this happens, and kudos to those that can overcome a separation and get back together on equal, loving terms.  But for those relationships that have underlying issues; these issues should not be over looked lightly.

The best advice I was ever given was to give myself a 60 day ex detox.  NO contact at all.  The time of the detox can vary depending on the duration of the relationship.  For shorter relationships I have typically done a 30 days to 7 week ex detox.

When I say no contact, I mean delete them from your Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, phone (so you do not drunk text or text when you feel weak).  Do anything you need to do to effectively put this person as far away from you as possible; mind and body.   Social media itself can be the devil, it is extremely interpretive and can drive you insane in this transition period. Trust me, forgo the insane asylum and cut the social media connections.  You may be freaking out at the notion of cutting off all contact and deleting social media ties but I can 100% assure you, even if you delete this guy from social media or delete his phone number, if he is your true guy, he will get a hold of you.  You will not need to do a thing.

In the ex detox time you focus entirely on yourself and what brings you joy.  This could be hanging out with friends, meeting new people, working out; whatever stimulates feelings of happiness for you. This ex detox time gives your mind and body time to get over the other person before you bring someone new into the mix.

I’ve done the ex detox before and it’s not easy.  However, as each day goes by, it gets easier and by the end of the ex detox I assure you, 99% of the time you look back and think, “Why did I even like that guy?”

Typically when we let go and allow ourselves to be uncomfortable for a brief amount of time, something even better comes in.

What if what ended up coming in next when you had the courage to let go, was the guy of your dreams?