Archive for breaking up

Post Breakup Strategies: What To Do

Okay so you feel like you’ve lost your best friend. They might as well have died, because it’s as if they did.   Not being able to see them and talk to them anymore can feel like pure torture. You want to see them but at the same time the thought of running into them unexpected is horrifying, especially if it’s with someone else (let’s not even go there right now). You’re struggling to even get out of bed today and you don’t know where or how to start your day because everything feels different now. Your heart feels as if it’s been ripped out of your chest and you’re struggling to catch up and breathe.

First of all, breathe.

As much as it’s hard to comprehend post breakup, there’s a reason for everything and this pain and heartache will pass.

In the meantime, you may be asking; what can I do to alleviate some of this pain?

There are 4 Post Breakup Strategies I highly recommend for you to implement immediately.

Okay, try getting up and starting with #1:

  1. Remove any memorabilia from your sight (pictures, flowers etc.). This doesn’t mean you have to trash everything that reminds you of your ex. Do what feels right for you. If throwing out certain things that remind you of your ex doesn’t work for you, or you’re not ready, put anything that reminds you of your ex out of sight in a box or in a closet. It makes it even harder to get through the initial stage of a breakup if you’re constantly being reminded of your ex when you walk into a room. That brings me to my next breakup strategy.
  2. Change the energy of your rooms/Move your furniture around. This works surprisingly well and immediately! Change the position of the furniture so that again, when you walk into that room, it’s no longer an immediate reminder of your time with your ex. Create new energy to the room that is only yours. This could mean even repainting the room or buying some new furniture. Check out these feng shui your bedroom techniques here. 

Okay now to the even harder part.

  1. Delete your ex of your social media. There’s always a bit of controversy around this post breakup strategy. However, you’re broken up for a reason and most of the time that means you won’t be a part of each other’s lives anymore. As hard as that is to hear, even if you can be friends down the road, you can’t immediately be friends with your ex unless you’re both OK with seeing the other person date someone else, that’s likely not going to happen over night.

Contrary to most knee jerk responses to this advice, if you’re meant to be with this person in the long run, no amount of deleting will deter them from being with you. You 100% cannot mess it up with the right person. Repeat that to yourself.

Having your ex on your social media is like a heart attack waiting to happen. Again, you have both decided to go your separate ways for a reason, why would you still be privy to their personal lives on social media or even want them to see what you’re doing? Before you know it you’re posting passive aggressive posts about finding a REAL man or over the top “fun” photos of you and your friends while you flirt with other guys. It doesn’t really make sense and it’s frankly torture for you.  With social media, you don’t know what you’re going to see and when you see it, you don’t even know what’s really going on. It’s all interpretive.

Delete your ex of your social media. Create some space for you to heal. Having your ex on your social media only delays you from moving and can sometimes create further drama and animosity.

Again, if this person is meant to be in your life, it will come back around. Right now your number one focus is on you and your healing.

  1. The No Contact Rule/Ex Detox. The no contact rule is exactly as it reads, no contact. Post breakup, I recommend a 30-60 day period of no contact with your ex. Depending on your perceived level of seriousness of the relationship this time can vary.

What does no contact mean? No emailing, calling, texting or accidentally bumping into your ex.

The no contact rule creates a space for clarity for that relationship and breaks any perpetual cycle of breaking up and getting back together. Even if you’re thinking you want to get back together, take that initial 30 days of no contact to be clear on your feelings. Often times, after implementing your ex detox, you may find yourself wondering why you even went out with this person to begin with!

So what do you do while implementing the no contact rule? GET BUSY. Sometimes in relationships we get so caught up in the partnership, we lose our sense of self. This is a chance to get back to you and what you love. Enlist your friends to go on a fun trip, start a new exercise routine, ask to take on an extra work assignment, get that furry friend you always wanted. Anything that brings you joy in this time, do that!

Breakups are a true test of our love and faith. Trust what is happening to you and trust that this moment will pass. The pain cannot last forever and it certainly will not. Your job is to only get through today. Try not to worry or think too far ahead in the future right now. Focus on the immediate, tangible things that you can do today to bring you back to you and your happiness.

This moment will pass and you will be okay. Trust that.

When Things Go Wrong They May Actually Be Going Right

young woman good symbol

The notion that when things go wrong they may actually be going right can be hard to comprehend, especially if you’re in the midst of the hardship at hand.  However, one of truths I’ve learned over the years is that just when I thought things were going wrong, they proved themselves to be going right.  Let me give you a few examples.

A few years ago I received a promotion into a corporate management position and was so excited at the prospect of moving up the corporate ladder.  After about a year, something did not feel right.  I started to feel depressed and not satisfied with my position.  There was nothing tangibly wrong with my role or my performance, it really just came down to a feeling I had.  I was all of a sudden not happy and I could not put my finger on what exactly it was that was causing this unhappiness.

After about a year of exploring and soul-searching, I realized my passion and desire for my career path had changed.  I started to focus more on my writing in my down time and things started to pop into my life to show me I was on the right path.  I even got chosen 1 of 12 people from around the world to attend a writing program based on a book concept I had submitted.

Instead of getting stuck in the dark place I had initially encountered, I accepted that my perception of things going wrong and not feeling good, meant I needed to be doing something else in that moment.  As a result, I took a leap of faith and quit my corporate management job to become a full-time writer and dating coach.  Although I still don’t have all the answers yet, the depressive feelings and anxiety have cleared and I could not be happier.   I can only imagine the great things to come.

We’ve all been through horrible break-ups before.  When my boyfriend of 5.5 years had repeatedly cheated on me, I decided to leave this relationship and move on with my life.  I had to leave someone behind that had been what seemed like my best friend for years and release the dream of having a future with him.  It took me a long time to realize, but him taking me for granted and forcing me to be single again ultimately led me to learn so very much about myself, meet some great men and will ensure I am open and available for the right guy to come along, someone who will love and cherish me.

Instead of getting stuck on the failure of the relationship and the amount of time I potentially had “wasted” with this guy, I let it go, I moved forward, not knowing what was going to happen to me.  I believe the breakdown of this relationship was one of the best things that could have ever happened.  I’m stronger and even more ready for the type of relationship I’ve always dreamed of.  The funny part is, looking back on it I would have never dated that guy being the person I am today.  You see, when things go wrong, they may actually be going right.

What does this mean for you?  When you don’t get that job you’ve always wanted, it just means there is something even more perfect for you.  That sad, horrible break-up you just had, it hurts like hell, but you’ll be happy again and almost with a 100% certainty I can tell you someone better suited and ready for you will come along.  Trust what is happening to you.  When things go wrong, they may actually be going right for you.

Practicing the ability to let go and trust what is happening to you is a hard concept to wrap your brain around.  However, I bet if you reflect on some of those things in your life you thought were going wrong in the moment, you will see that you’re far better off outside of those situations now.

What if you could trust what is happening to you right now?  What if you could let go in this moment?

Try it and see what happens.  Notice how the ability to trust and let go makes you feel in these hard times.

Ex Detox: How To Detox From Your Ex

The Intoxicating Allure
Have you ever felt even more drawn to your ex after you broke up?

I have been guilty a few times of hanging out and having sex with my ex after we’ve broken up.  There is something so addictive, intoxicating and easy about having your ex around when you want to vent, snuggle, go out or have sex.  At times, it feels like hanging out with your ex is way easier than trying to find someone new to date.  Your ex knows you; there is a comfort there that is not easily replaced.

Is this a relationship?  Sounds like it, but no.  Your ex is your ex for a reason.  So easily we forget this and get caught up in the cycle of breaking up and getting back together.

The first few weeks feel like death after a relationship has ended.  Getting used to not only no longer seeing your ex anymore, but not receiving any texts or phone calls is extremely hard.  It’s like you’re in ex detox (and really you are), which makes you want them back even more.  This is where a lot of us make the mistake of crawling back and asking for another chance.  It seems easier to feel the pain of being in a relationship that is not right, rather than the pain of temporarily being alone.

To some degree we can get the initial uncomfortable and adjustment feelings mixed up with our fears generated from our ego.  Our ego tells us that we need this validation from the other person, proof that they still want us and that we meant something to them.  And there we go again, crawling back, asking them for another chance.

Our ego also stimulates our need for drama in our relationships; we become addicted to the ups and downs. This is what we come to expect and accept as normal in our relationships.  All relationships have ups and downs, this is not that type of relationship problems I am talking about.  It’s when you have definitively decided time and time again that your relationship is over for good reason and keep going back for more pain, this is where things become unhealthy.

There is also the intoxicating allure of the break-up sex.  Everything seems more exciting for a while after you have broken up.  You’re not talking about your problems or your relationship for that matter and are just having fun.  It’s all just a distraction though, this feeling is only temporary, it’s not real.

The fact of the matter is the relationship didn’t work for a reason.  It’s no one’s fault in the end.  Dragging it on only delays the inevitable, another break-up.  And so the cycle continues.

But what about the exceptions?  There are those people who break up and end up getting back together, getting married and living happily ever after.  I am sure this happens, and kudos to those that can overcome a separation and get back together on equal, loving terms.  But for those relationships that have underlying issues; these issues should not be over looked lightly.

The best advice I was ever given was to give myself a 60 day ex detox.  NO contact at all.  The time of the detox can vary depending on the duration of the relationship.  For shorter relationships I have typically done a 30 days to 7 week ex detox.

When I say no contact, I mean delete them from your Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, phone (so you do not drunk text or text when you feel weak).  Do anything you need to do to effectively put this person as far away from you as possible; mind and body.   Social media itself can be the devil, it is extremely interpretive and can drive you insane in this transition period. Trust me, forgo the insane asylum and cut the social media connections.  You may be freaking out at the notion of cutting off all contact and deleting social media ties but I can 100% assure you, even if you delete this guy from social media or delete his phone number, if he is your true guy, he will get a hold of you.  You will not need to do a thing.

In the ex detox time you focus entirely on yourself and what brings you joy.  This could be hanging out with friends, meeting new people, working out; whatever stimulates feelings of happiness for you. This ex detox time gives your mind and body time to get over the other person before you bring someone new into the mix.

I’ve done the ex detox before and it’s not easy.  However, as each day goes by, it gets easier and by the end of the ex detox I assure you, 99% of the time you look back and think, “Why did I even like that guy?”

Typically when we let go and allow ourselves to be uncomfortable for a brief amount of time, something even better comes in.

What if what ended up coming in next when you had the courage to let go, was the guy of your dreams?