Archive for dating tips

Why Comparing Yourself To Others Can Be Deadly For Your Well-Being

Young couple and woman looking at them at club

We’ve all done it at some point in our lives; comparing ourselves to another.  But most of the time the only real result that comes about from comparing yourself to others is feelings of self-doubt, jealousy, depression and low self-esteem.

Comparing yourself to others can truly bring out the worst in you especially if you’re comparing yourself against another to make you feel better.  This tactic breeds hostility and jealousy, where gossip and mean-spirited agendas can ensue.  Often times when someone is insecure they try to bring other people down by focusing on that person’s perceived imperfections.  These tactics are transparent and frankly tasteless.  It distracts you from focusing on your own goals and can confuse the good qualities you have.

Keep in mind when you’re comparing yourself to another the information you think you’re receiving is seldom completely accurate.  Even if you think you want to be that happy couple smiling and walking hand in hand down the street, you don’t know what is truly going on in their lives.  You have an unrealistic view of reality, all based on interpretation.  You cannot validate yourself through comparing your life to another and certainly not based on deficient or incomplete information.

There’s no harm in looking to others as motivators for goals and values you have established for yourself, as long as you have a clear boundary on what will make you, and you alone happy and most fulfilled in this life.

For example, I want to be a respected, famous transformational non-fiction book writer, coach and blogger.  Comparing myself to all the successful transformational writers and coaches out there would be exceptionally overwhelming.  Instead, I have great mentors around me that provide me with support, tools and techniques that I can in turn use to best suit my own unique personal goals and aspirations.

Being clear on what is most important to you first and foremost will allow you to discern and learn from the talents of others to be used in the best possible way to meet your own goals.

Wasting time comparing yourself to others only delays you from becoming the best possible version of you, and there is only one of you. How special and cool is that?

 

When Things Go Wrong They May Actually Be Going Right

young woman good symbol

The notion that when things go wrong they may actually be going right can be hard to comprehend, especially if you’re in the midst of the hardship at hand.  However, one of truths I’ve learned over the years is that just when I thought things were going wrong, they proved themselves to be going right.  Let me give you a few examples.

A few years ago I received a promotion into a corporate management position and was so excited at the prospect of moving up the corporate ladder.  After about a year, something did not feel right.  I started to feel depressed and not satisfied with my position.  There was nothing tangibly wrong with my role or my performance, it really just came down to a feeling I had.  I was all of a sudden not happy and I could not put my finger on what exactly it was that was causing this unhappiness.

After about a year of exploring and soul-searching, I realized my passion and desire for my career path had changed.  I started to focus more on my writing in my down time and things started to pop into my life to show me I was on the right path.  I even got chosen 1 of 12 people from around the world to attend a writing program based on a book concept I had submitted.

Instead of getting stuck in the dark place I had initially encountered, I accepted that my perception of things going wrong and not feeling good, meant I needed to be doing something else in that moment.  As a result, I took a leap of faith and quit my corporate management job to become a full-time writer and dating coach.  Although I still don’t have all the answers yet, the depressive feelings and anxiety have cleared and I could not be happier.   I can only imagine the great things to come.

We’ve all been through horrible break-ups before.  When my boyfriend of 5.5 years had repeatedly cheated on me, I decided to leave this relationship and move on with my life.  I had to leave someone behind that had been what seemed like my best friend for years and release the dream of having a future with him.  It took me a long time to realize, but him taking me for granted and forcing me to be single again ultimately led me to learn so very much about myself, meet some great men and will ensure I am open and available for the right guy to come along, someone who will love and cherish me.

Instead of getting stuck on the failure of the relationship and the amount of time I potentially had “wasted” with this guy, I let it go, I moved forward, not knowing what was going to happen to me.  I believe the breakdown of this relationship was one of the best things that could have ever happened.  I’m stronger and even more ready for the type of relationship I’ve always dreamed of.  The funny part is, looking back on it I would have never dated that guy being the person I am today.  You see, when things go wrong, they may actually be going right.

What does this mean for you?  When you don’t get that job you’ve always wanted, it just means there is something even more perfect for you.  That sad, horrible break-up you just had, it hurts like hell, but you’ll be happy again and almost with a 100% certainty I can tell you someone better suited and ready for you will come along.  Trust what is happening to you.  When things go wrong, they may actually be going right for you.

Practicing the ability to let go and trust what is happening to you is a hard concept to wrap your brain around.  However, I bet if you reflect on some of those things in your life you thought were going wrong in the moment, you will see that you’re far better off outside of those situations now.

What if you could trust what is happening to you right now?  What if you could let go in this moment?

Try it and see what happens.  Notice how the ability to trust and let go makes you feel in these hard times.

How To Stop Overanalyzing Your Dating Relationship And Live Your Life

Posted 01/26/15 by Sarah Kotz and filed under:

Girl thinking over white

When you initially start dating someone it’s easy to get caught up in overanalyzing your dating relationship. Instead of embracing and living in the moment, women often get caught up in worrying about where the relationship is going, if he is dating someone else and when and if you should call him or initiate conversation.

Like many, it can be even harder if you have had some bad failed relationships before.  It’s pretty much a given that you will most likely carry some triggers into your next relationship that could breed some initial insecurity.  It’s important to be conscious of these triggers, acknowledge them but be aware as to not let old feelings ruin new potentially positive relationships.

If you’re worrying about whether or not to text a guy you’re newly dating, you’re thinking about it too much.  

Take a breath and stop over analyzing your dating relationship.

If you want to talk to him, talk to him.  If you entirely pull back and play games by always having him initiate he’s going to pick up on what you are doing and most likely lose interest.  Just be yourself and talk when you want to talk.  The timing of your text and what you say when you text really is not going to make or break your relationship with someone.

Next, for the first few dates with your guy you’re really just getting to know him. Don’t worry about if he’s dating someone else or not, if he really wants to be with you, those girls will fall off anyway (whether they exist or not).  If you’re that concerned if the guy you are seeing is dating someone else, it’s OK to ask.  There is nothing wrong with having open dialogue with the guy you’re dating.  Just be prepared for whatever direction the answer takes you.  Most guys will tell you the truth and if he doesn’t, well you will eventually find out and then you can ditch him for being the douche that he is.  At the end of the day, I will repeat again, if this guy wants to be with you, he will ditch all the girls he was initially talking to and/or dating when he met you and do everything he can to ensure you feel confident in your relationship with him.

The best advice I can give you if you find yourself spinning out of control and overanalyzing your dating relationship is:

1.  Do Not Read Into Things

This is easier said then done but your guys actions and words will speak for itself, not everything has a hidden meaning or message.  Trust your gut and do not look for things that do not exist.  If he says he will call, he will call.  And if he doesn’t call, well then you have your answer; he’s not the one.

2.  Be In The Moment

Take things day by day with your new guy and really get to know him.  You’re choosing him just as much as he’s choosing you.  You will soon find out where things are going and if this relationship has serious potential.

3.  Communicate  

If you’re really questioning your relationship and the guys motives, talk to him.  There is no sense guessing where your relationship stands when you can easily find the answers by asking.  Note, this is after a few dates and you have acquired some sort of standing relationship with this guy, it’s too soon to ask where you stand after only one date.  Talk to him when it feels right not just because you’re triggering.

The more time you spend overanalyzing your dating relationship and your actions, you jip yourself and the guy you’re dating of getting to know the real you and having fun!  No one wants to date someone who is stressed out all the time and can’t be themselves.   Focus your time and energy on this fun and exciting time of getting to know someone and everything will fall in place how it’s meant to.

 

 

 

 

 

10 First Date Questions You Cannot Go Wrong With

Posted 01/22/15 by Sarah Kotz and filed under:

Couple in love on a date

Going on first dates can be exhilarating, stressful or even monotonous at times.

For those that struggle with first dates, what to talk about and what first date questions are the best to use, this post is for you.

To start, first date interactions should be organic, not scripted.  The best advice I can give you is to just go with the flow of the conversation.  First date questions generally come about through normal, reciprocal conversation.  There should be equal participation on both sides of the table, much like a tennis match.  If he asks you how your day was, certainly fire back and ask him how his day was.  One topic typically segues to the next and before you know it, you’re in the flow and not worrying about what to talk about!

On the other side, there are some people who get extremely nervous on first dates and/or have a date that is nervous or shy.  For these people, you may benefit from learning a few key first date questions to keep in the back of your head when these situations arise.

I once went out with a really sweet guy who was actually petrified from the moment he walked up to say hi on our first date.  He literally was already in full sweat, provided no eye contact and was completely so in his head he could barely get his words out.  I generally can talk about anything with just about anyone but even this threw me off at first.

To make it through this date, I really relied more on these first date questions than anything else, regardless of the fact I was pretty much talking to myself the whole time.  I could not depend on him firing back with any questions or discussion points for me.

Here are my top 10 picks for first date questions that will get you through any first date:

These are not necessarily in any particular order, apart from #1.  You may want to use #1 as an opening to the conversation if you’re struggling.

  1. How was your day/week?  Go with this question first.  There could be lots of good detail that spurs new discussion from this innocent question.
  1. What should I know about you that I would never think to ask you about?  This is a fun one and allows the person to dictate what they want to share with you.  With that being said, it may be too open for some – Use with caution.
  1. What is the scariest thing you have ever done?  You can find out a lot about someone’s character by learning about their fears and their experiences with any hardships or limitations they may have encountered.
  1. What are you really passionate about?  You really want to delve into what this person loves in their lives with this question; what do they like to do? What drives their happiness and joy for life?
  1. Have you figured out your true calling in life and if so what is it?  Are you passionate about what you do?  I typically hate directly asking about someone’s work on a first date unless they bring it up or you already have some details.   A person may be hesitant to open up about their work for fear their date could be investigating as to how much monetary or prestige they hold.  This question allows you to stay true to your date’s passion in life and offers a platform for them to talk about the parts of their career that are fun and most meaningful to them.  This may not even turn into a career answer, this could be a calling that is outside the professional realm.  See where it goes.
  1. What is your favourite way to spend a weekend?  This is a great open question to learn about your dates interests and how they typically spend their down time.
  1. What is the one city you would move to in an instant? OR What is your favourite place in the entire world?  This question helps to identify; is your date happy where they live now?  Are they into travelling?  Where do they most want to be location wise?
  1. Tell me about your friends.  Do you have a best friend?  I like this one because you get a sense of your dates social tendencies and what type of people they surround themselves with.  You can learn a lot about someone from the people they keep in their lives.
  1. Right now, what is your biggest goal in life?  Find out what is next for this person.   You can get a sense of what your date sees for their future.
  1. Do you have any pet peeves?  Not only are you going to learn about what ultimately irks your date but it can also be a funny conversation that could generate spin-off discussion.
  1. BONUS: What is your favourite food?  Is there anything you hate to eat?  You cannot go wrong when talking about food. Even talk about the food you’re eating on the date if you have to!

I wouldn’t recommend overanalyzing first date questions.  It can cause you more stress and elicit a robot like approach to the interaction.

At the end of the day, RELAX and try to have fun.  Dates are all about meeting and getting to know people.  All you can do is be yourself.

 

 

A Women’s Perspective: Should You Send That Dick Pic (Adult Content)

Posted 01/20/15 by Sarah Kotz and filed under:

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It’s almost a part of a girl’s online dating initiation to be sent multiple dick pics.  But why do guys do this?  Has there been some sort of universal dating communication that sending a dick pic is now the way to a woman’s heart?

Should you send that dick pic?

First of all, when a girl receives a dick pic it almost always has either a horror reaction or comical reaction, likely not in between.  This I am sure is not the reaction the guy was going for.  I once received a dick pic from a guy that thought it would be absolutely hilarious to send a photo, totally naked with a sock strapped onto his penis.  “I thought you would find it funny,” he said.   I’m thinking; how is that funny?  I don’t even know you, and why the sock?

There could be some girls who can appreciate the random dick pic, but most, do not want to be surprised by one.  A random penis shot out of the blue, equals not sexy.

Second, even if you’re going to attempt to send one, tidy that stuff up.

If you actually want to get to know a girl or you’re already interacting with a girl you like, you certainly are not going to woo her with your attempt at penis avant-garde art.

A dick pic is for those that you are:

1.  In a relationship with (i.e. she has already seen your penis – and likes it!)

2.  You have a mutual relationship, sexual of nature or other where this is agreed upon as OK.

Girls have to like the guy first.  If we don’t like the guy first, we certainly are not going to like the penis and definitely do not want to see it.

So, should you send that dick pic?  Let’s air on the side of NO unless you’re absolutely sure it’s going to be positively received.

How To Get Him To Chase You: Why It Doesn’t Matter

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We’ve all been there, having intense talks with your friends trying to figure out what went wrong and how to turn things around so that this guy has his attention back on you. Maybe you’re even Googling articles, tips and strategies to mastermind the perfect scenario about how to get him to chase you and come back.

But why are you chasing him at this point? What makes him so great?

Ask yourself; is it just the rejection that has you wanting to turn the tables?  Do you REALLY like him?  Dig deep on these questions and take the time to reflect on what your motives are behind wanting this guy to chase you.

Clearly if you’re scrambling to find a solution and turn the tables, something isn’t right and this guy is not giving you what you need.

What if instead of chasing and spending so much time researching and masterminding how to get him to chase you back, you focused on yourself and what makes you happy?

The best strategy or advice I could give someone when they have the urge to chase is to step back, take a moment and – Do You!  

What does that mean?  Reach out to your friends and surround yourself with people who frankly want to be in your life and know what is going on with you.  Do things that make you happy and bring you joy.

Chasing after any guy won’t make him want you even more.  Playing games or making up a plan to get him to chase you, likely won’t work either or will be a temporary reaction from him on his part.

I know it may seem cliché, especially in the state you might be in, but with the right guy you won’t have to think about chasing or not chasing because he won’t be able to stay out of your life for good.

What’s great about the “Do You” strategy is that it does often work and your guy will come crawling back!

But when he does, I caution you; do you want someone who is not sure if they want to be with you?

Listen to his words and trust his actions.  If he wants to be with you, he’ll make it happen.  If not now, space will provide the avenue to make it happen in the future if it is in your highest good.

 

 

Ask Him Friday’s – COMING SOON

Posted 01/09/15 by Sarah Kotz and filed under:

Attractive young handsome man, model of fashion in urban backgro

I find it so enlightening to ask a male opinion, especially when it comes to dating and relationships.

Most guys have this uncensored, raw way of communicating that I appreciate, so much so I wanted to incorporate it somehow into my blog.

I elicited the assistance of one of my guy friends to answer questions in a friday segment called, Ask Him.

In this segment, I hope we can dive right into the male psyche to shed some light on some of our most personal, deepest and powerful questions about men.

I started him off with 20 questions to answer over the next few weeks, however please go to the Contact section of the website to submit any questions you want to Ask Him about.

No question is off-limits.

Worried Your Ex Is Dating Someone Else?

Studio fashion shot: two beautiful women (blonde and brunette) wearing dresses

Are you worried that your ex is dating someone else?  It’s easy to get stuck on the next girl your ex is going to date after you.  Maybe he’s even already dating her.  There is this need to find out who she is or if she even exists for that matter.  Often times, girls can become so obsessed with trying to find out if and who their ex is dating, they lose the momentum of getting over him.  Maybe it’s a coping technique for distracting you from feeling the inevitable and facing reality; you’re broken up.

Obsessing about the other woman and if your ex is dating someone else, only makes you feel worse.

I have been stuck worrying and overanalyzing; Is he dating someone else now?  Does he think she is better than me?  I can tell you 100%, half of the sh*t I made up in my head was never true and even if I did know who my ex was dating, it rarely worked out with the next girl and was a temporary fix.

I read an article recently when I was doing research for my post called “Decoding Male Behavior: How Guys Deal with Breakups” by Eric Charles.  In this article Eric talks about the fact the breakups are actually hard on guys.  Eric says But what about the guy that immediately gets into a new relationship right afterward?  This is a no-brainer – a guy does this because he doesn’t want to be alone and he doesn’t want to “deal with himself.”  If he jumps into another relationship, he can still maintain his dose of external female validation and self-esteem. It has its cost though and eventually devolves into a crippling neediness. Guys need to work their internal issues out…”

 BUT even if the next girl was the love of his life, does it really matter?

You don’t want him.  Stop obsessing over if he is dating someone else.

Any guy that doesn’t want to be with you, you don’t want to be with him.  Frankly say thank-you to that girl for distracting him enough so that you could be open to meet the man of your dreams!

Forget the other woman, she does not mean anything to your life and your happiness.  Leave her and/or the idea of her behind with the man who clearly was not the one.

You’re too awesome to spend any more time and energy worrying another second about him or this “girl.”

 

Questioning, Am I Good Enough? What If You’re Already Good Enough?

Charming young brunette.

I have myself questioned, Am I good enough? when a guy has decided to walk away from me, or simply ignored me.   I made the mistake of putting so much of my self-worth in another person, that I really was not sure at times that I was good enough when a guy decided not to be with me.  This caused me often to tailspin, brought about anxiety, overanalyzing and feelings of worthlessness.

Seems like a lot of power to give away to one-person right?  Because I put so much emphasis on this guy liking me, I temporarily lost sight of myself and who I was.  I lost the love for what made me special and unique.  I let this guy essentially decide for me that I was disposable which caused me to question, Am I good enough?

After spending more time with myself, learning about what brought passion into my life and what made me truly happy, I started to learn these feelings that were brought about by these broken relationships were really not about him, but me.  I needed to love myself first before I could truly recognize that I was already good enough.

I have dated guys before that actively pursued me, basically convinced me they were ready for a relationship, then pulled a houdini on me.  They would stop talking to me, ignore my calls when I tried to clarify what was going on and flat-out disappeared from my life out of the blue.

Now, instead of wasting my time overanalyzing the situation, I say, thank you.  I no longer question, Am I good enough?  I now know it. 

These men were just not the men I wanted or needed.  I am looking for someone who can communicate and be present.  Their choice to walk away had nothing to do with my actions or who I was as a person.

For the right man, you’re already way MORE than enough!  You’re the best!  You could be the prettiest, smartest, funniest woman in the world, but if this guy isn’t ready or isn’t the one for you, it doesn’t matter: he won’t want you!  But your looks, your smarts and everything about you, will be perfect for the right man.

I love this article by Eric Charles, “He Dumped Me But I Want Him Back.” Check it out for a guy’s perspective.