Archive for ex boyfriend

Post Breakup Strategies: What To Do

Okay so you feel like you’ve lost your best friend. They might as well have died, because it’s as if they did.   Not being able to see them and talk to them anymore can feel like pure torture. You want to see them but at the same time the thought of running into them unexpected is horrifying, especially if it’s with someone else (let’s not even go there right now). You’re struggling to even get out of bed today and you don’t know where or how to start your day because everything feels different now. Your heart feels as if it’s been ripped out of your chest and you’re struggling to catch up and breathe.

First of all, breathe.

As much as it’s hard to comprehend post breakup, there’s a reason for everything and this pain and heartache will pass.

In the meantime, you may be asking; what can I do to alleviate some of this pain?

There are 4 Post Breakup Strategies I highly recommend for you to implement immediately.

Okay, try getting up and starting with #1:

  1. Remove any memorabilia from your sight (pictures, flowers etc.). This doesn’t mean you have to trash everything that reminds you of your ex. Do what feels right for you. If throwing out certain things that remind you of your ex doesn’t work for you, or you’re not ready, put anything that reminds you of your ex out of sight in a box or in a closet. It makes it even harder to get through the initial stage of a breakup if you’re constantly being reminded of your ex when you walk into a room. That brings me to my next breakup strategy.
  2. Change the energy of your rooms/Move your furniture around. This works surprisingly well and immediately! Change the position of the furniture so that again, when you walk into that room, it’s no longer an immediate reminder of your time with your ex. Create new energy to the room that is only yours. This could mean even repainting the room or buying some new furniture. Check out these feng shui your bedroom techniques here. 

Okay now to the even harder part.

  1. Delete your ex of your social media. There’s always a bit of controversy around this post breakup strategy. However, you’re broken up for a reason and most of the time that means you won’t be a part of each other’s lives anymore. As hard as that is to hear, even if you can be friends down the road, you can’t immediately be friends with your ex unless you’re both OK with seeing the other person date someone else, that’s likely not going to happen over night.

Contrary to most knee jerk responses to this advice, if you’re meant to be with this person in the long run, no amount of deleting will deter them from being with you. You 100% cannot mess it up with the right person. Repeat that to yourself.

Having your ex on your social media is like a heart attack waiting to happen. Again, you have both decided to go your separate ways for a reason, why would you still be privy to their personal lives on social media or even want them to see what you’re doing? Before you know it you’re posting passive aggressive posts about finding a REAL man or over the top “fun” photos of you and your friends while you flirt with other guys. It doesn’t really make sense and it’s frankly torture for you.  With social media, you don’t know what you’re going to see and when you see it, you don’t even know what’s really going on. It’s all interpretive.

Delete your ex of your social media. Create some space for you to heal. Having your ex on your social media only delays you from moving and can sometimes create further drama and animosity.

Again, if this person is meant to be in your life, it will come back around. Right now your number one focus is on you and your healing.

  1. The No Contact Rule/Ex Detox. The no contact rule is exactly as it reads, no contact. Post breakup, I recommend a 30-60 day period of no contact with your ex. Depending on your perceived level of seriousness of the relationship this time can vary.

What does no contact mean? No emailing, calling, texting or accidentally bumping into your ex.

The no contact rule creates a space for clarity for that relationship and breaks any perpetual cycle of breaking up and getting back together. Even if you’re thinking you want to get back together, take that initial 30 days of no contact to be clear on your feelings. Often times, after implementing your ex detox, you may find yourself wondering why you even went out with this person to begin with!

So what do you do while implementing the no contact rule? GET BUSY. Sometimes in relationships we get so caught up in the partnership, we lose our sense of self. This is a chance to get back to you and what you love. Enlist your friends to go on a fun trip, start a new exercise routine, ask to take on an extra work assignment, get that furry friend you always wanted. Anything that brings you joy in this time, do that!

Breakups are a true test of our love and faith. Trust what is happening to you and trust that this moment will pass. The pain cannot last forever and it certainly will not. Your job is to only get through today. Try not to worry or think too far ahead in the future right now. Focus on the immediate, tangible things that you can do today to bring you back to you and your happiness.

This moment will pass and you will be okay. Trust that.

Still Cyberstalking Your Ex? Why He’s Not Cyberstalking Your Facebook

 

are you cyber stalking your ex?In a previous post titled, Cyberstalking Your Ex?  3 Proven Ways To Help You Stop, I talked about the downfalls of cyberstalking your ex and suggested 3 ways to overcome the impulse to check his social media everyday.

Wondering why he always seems to get over you faster?

Here is a continuation of why creeping on your ex is not healthy by Elephant Journal, Why Your Ex Is Getting Over You Faster.

Ask Yourself This Important Dating Question About HIM

Posted 12/15/14 by Sarah Kotz and filed under:

Fashionable young brunette.

Is he doing what he needs to do in order to be with me?

This is the dating question I have asked myself before and would challenge you to ask when unsure about the status of your relationship.

Everyone has their own wants, needs and expectations of a relationship.  Are you just accepting scraps or are you being treated how you want to be treated?  That is really only something you know.

I’ve dated guy’s who were so very into things, only to disappear and then continuously reappear.  I would get a text here and there, asking me how I was or even wanting to hang out.  There were times when I would take this contact as a significant sign these guy’s were still into me or even wanted to get back together.  But it was only a scrap.  Most of the time, there would be a small amount of contact and then they would disappear again.

So I started to ask myself this dating question; Is he doing what he needs to do in order to be with me?

The answer 99% of the time was unequivocally, “No.”

These guys were not showing up for me.  I want someone who wants to have more contact than once a month, or once a week for that matter.  I want a man, not some wishy-washy guy who doesn’t know what he wants.  So why waste my time?

You shouldn’t either.

When a guy wants to be with you, he will make it happen.  If the timing is off, it’s best to let him go and if it’s right, it will come back around to you in perfect time. In the meantime, don’t wait around or create fantasies for situations that frankly don’t even remotely meet your ideal standard.

Don’t let yourself chase or pine after someone who hasn’t even earned your time of day.

Set this one free ladies, scraps are for dogs.

Cyber Stalking Your Ex? 3 Proven Ways To Help You Stop

are you cyber stalking your ex?
I honestly wish we lived in an age where you could break up with someone and they would go to the perpetual island where you would never have to hear or see them again.

It’s even harder to deal with breakups while being inundated by your ex’s social media platforms or worse seeking the information out.

We’ve all been guilty of it; you break up with a guy, you could even think you hate him but you’re so addicted to knowing what is going on with his life that you can’t help but check out that most recent Instagram post or see who he added on Facebook.

Cyber stalking your ex only leads to a lot of assumptions, assumptions that may not even be true!  Cyber stalking your ex delays you from moving forward, focusing on yourself and potentially making you available for someone who actually wants to step up and be in your life.

Next time you want to cyber stalk your ex keep the following in mind:

  • You’ll feel worse after you look. Do you really need that heart attack?
  • You don’t even know what is going on even if you do look (even if you think you know, you don’t).
  • It really doesn’t matter, it’s his loss for letting you go.

Instead of taking the cyber stalking route, try:

1.  Deleting/Blocking him  

It’s totally fine to delete or block your ex if his social media is causing you distress.  Don’t worry, if he really wants to be a part of your life, a minor deletion/blockage won’t stop him.

2.  Stay busy

Most people cyber stalk their ex when they’re bored or intoxicated.  Go out with friends, go to the gym, take a yoga class; whatever you need to do to refocus yourself in a positive direction.

3.  Make a promise to a friend

This may sound weird, but make a promise to a friend that you will not cyber stalk your ex.  Make the promise to someone who you know will call you out if you have a weak moment.  This is desperate measures time.

Trust me, you will feel a million times better if you follow these guidelines.  Why settle for scraps of information from someone who frankly is not convincing you they should be a part of your life?  Stop the cyber stalking and open yourself up to the possibility that there could be someone out there who won’t make you feel so insecure that you need to cyber stalk and interpret their social media.

He’s out there, I know it.

Break-up Strategies: Are you in love with the idea of him?

Are you in love with the idea of him?
Have you ever pined and agonized over a guy for weeks or even months when the relationship didn’t work out or for someone perhaps you barely even knew?

I read a post the other week on The Daily Love that talked about people being in love with the idea of the person or the idea of being in love, not necessarily the person themselves.

I can’t count how many times I fell hard for a person, only for it to crumble and found it excruciating to get over them.

Looking back on the end of some of my long-term relationships, I believe I made it harder on myself to get over the person because I would be concentrating on the good parts of the relationship and forgetting the true reasons why we broke up.  In some cases, I even tried to get the person back, regardless of the reasons that lead to the demise of the relationship.  In most respects, the rationale behind my thoughts and actions were from a place of love, I was in love with the idea of being in love.  Because I wanted to be in love so bad, I created this unrealistic view of the person I was with.

For those short-lived dating relationships, I saw a similar pattern come about in my life.  I would meet these guys who probably from the get-go where by no means right for me, but I would mold them in my head and in my life to fit what I wanted to believe.  I was creating a faulty connection.  This meant that sometimes I did not have that much in common with a guy or they met expectations of who I thought I should be with.  In the end, it never seemed right and eventually the relationship failed.  Often times I over stayed these relationships, long after they should have ended.

So how did I minimize the pining for the types of relationships that were not right for me?

In addition to focusing on activities that brought about feelings of self-love, I created a list of all the reasons why we broke up.  I would email this list to myself so that I had it on hand whenever I found myself faltering and starting to only think about the “good times.”  As much as I needed to, I would refer back to this list until I was in a place of clarity; where I could see the relationship for what it was.

I do believe when it comes to relationships you will find the person that is best suited for you.  But this won’t happen if you continue to settle or create relationships and connections that are not there.  You will be able to get over someone a lot faster and easier by accepting the relationship for what it was, not creating an idea in your head of what you wanted it to be.

Get out of those relationships that are not serving you and open yourself to true love so that it will no longer be an idea, thought or wish in your head, true love will be reality.

What are some of your break-up strategies to minimize the pining, obsessing and longing to revert back?

 

 

Ex Detox: How To Detox From Your Ex

The Intoxicating Allure
Have you ever felt even more drawn to your ex after you broke up?

I have been guilty a few times of hanging out and having sex with my ex after we’ve broken up.  There is something so addictive, intoxicating and easy about having your ex around when you want to vent, snuggle, go out or have sex.  At times, it feels like hanging out with your ex is way easier than trying to find someone new to date.  Your ex knows you; there is a comfort there that is not easily replaced.

Is this a relationship?  Sounds like it, but no.  Your ex is your ex for a reason.  So easily we forget this and get caught up in the cycle of breaking up and getting back together.

The first few weeks feel like death after a relationship has ended.  Getting used to not only no longer seeing your ex anymore, but not receiving any texts or phone calls is extremely hard.  It’s like you’re in ex detox (and really you are), which makes you want them back even more.  This is where a lot of us make the mistake of crawling back and asking for another chance.  It seems easier to feel the pain of being in a relationship that is not right, rather than the pain of temporarily being alone.

To some degree we can get the initial uncomfortable and adjustment feelings mixed up with our fears generated from our ego.  Our ego tells us that we need this validation from the other person, proof that they still want us and that we meant something to them.  And there we go again, crawling back, asking them for another chance.

Our ego also stimulates our need for drama in our relationships; we become addicted to the ups and downs. This is what we come to expect and accept as normal in our relationships.  All relationships have ups and downs, this is not that type of relationship problems I am talking about.  It’s when you have definitively decided time and time again that your relationship is over for good reason and keep going back for more pain, this is where things become unhealthy.

There is also the intoxicating allure of the break-up sex.  Everything seems more exciting for a while after you have broken up.  You’re not talking about your problems or your relationship for that matter and are just having fun.  It’s all just a distraction though, this feeling is only temporary, it’s not real.

The fact of the matter is the relationship didn’t work for a reason.  It’s no one’s fault in the end.  Dragging it on only delays the inevitable, another break-up.  And so the cycle continues.

But what about the exceptions?  There are those people who break up and end up getting back together, getting married and living happily ever after.  I am sure this happens, and kudos to those that can overcome a separation and get back together on equal, loving terms.  But for those relationships that have underlying issues; these issues should not be over looked lightly.

The best advice I was ever given was to give myself a 60 day ex detox.  NO contact at all.  The time of the detox can vary depending on the duration of the relationship.  For shorter relationships I have typically done a 30 days to 7 week ex detox.

When I say no contact, I mean delete them from your Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, phone (so you do not drunk text or text when you feel weak).  Do anything you need to do to effectively put this person as far away from you as possible; mind and body.   Social media itself can be the devil, it is extremely interpretive and can drive you insane in this transition period. Trust me, forgo the insane asylum and cut the social media connections.  You may be freaking out at the notion of cutting off all contact and deleting social media ties but I can 100% assure you, even if you delete this guy from social media or delete his phone number, if he is your true guy, he will get a hold of you.  You will not need to do a thing.

In the ex detox time you focus entirely on yourself and what brings you joy.  This could be hanging out with friends, meeting new people, working out; whatever stimulates feelings of happiness for you. This ex detox time gives your mind and body time to get over the other person before you bring someone new into the mix.

I’ve done the ex detox before and it’s not easy.  However, as each day goes by, it gets easier and by the end of the ex detox I assure you, 99% of the time you look back and think, “Why did I even like that guy?”

Typically when we let go and allow ourselves to be uncomfortable for a brief amount of time, something even better comes in.

What if what ended up coming in next when you had the courage to let go, was the guy of your dreams?