How you ever tried to make a relationship “fit” even though it continued to disappoint you? Have you tried to turn a guy into the “one” even though he was far from it? Are you crippled when someone rejects you?
The journey through dating can feel like torture sometimes. A journey, that can be bring about feelings of fear, worry, anxiousness, panic and sometimes even obsession. But what if you could diminish some of those horrible feelings and start to enjoy your dating life?
In Kathryn Alice’s article Dating Done Differently, Kathryn endorses 4 qualities that can turn dating into a potentially enjoyable experience. Whether you’re spiritual or not, it’s important to look at these qualities as fundamental dating qualities that can be applied universally, regardless of belief.
The 4 qualities of a successful dater are as follows:
1 – Faith
Faith can mean many things to people, for the purpose of this article, faith to me means; trust. Trusting that the right person for you will come. When you trust in what is happening to you and have faith that you’ll meet the right person for you, you begin to relax and stop trying to force things to happen. There are so many people who settle for relationships due to lack of faith. Often times these relationships are created based on fear of loneliness. With faith, you no longer feel the pressure to settle for someone who is not compatible with you. Instead, you trust in yourself and that the type of relationship you want will come.
2 – Honouring
Honouring is, accepting yourself and others for who they are. Eliminate the need to project your characteristics of the “one” to try to mould your date into something they ‘re not. One of the best practices I have implemented in my dating life is honouring. It can be extremely difficult not to project the fact that you want the next person to come along to be the “one”, especially if you’ve been single for a while. It’s important to be present with each person you date and experience them, for who they are and not who you want them to be.
Be honest with your date. If you don’t see the relationship going forward, tell them. In turn, if someone tells you they’re not interested, trust their words. As much as I can, I am open, honest and clear with the men I date. If I am not interested, I do not leave them hanging or string them along. I communicate with these men, as I would want to be communicated with.
Whether it’s because of our lack of faith, depleted self-love or ego, we can get stuck on trying to convince someone to like us or even love us. Pining and trying to convince someone to love you can distract you from being available to someone who is actually interested. Do not manipulate rejection to mean you’re not good enough. Rejection only means that the person was not the right fit for you.
3 – Self-love
A lot of people find the term “self-love” to be cliché but it is actually an essential part of successful dating. When you don’t love and respect yourself, disaster ensues in your dating relationships. You often enter and stay in relationships that you would not otherwise have been a part of.
I was in a 5.5-year relationship a few years ago that was plagued with lying and deceit. The man I was dating at the time would break up with me at least once a year and use this time to have sex with and date as many girls as possible. Each time he would break up with me, my self-esteem would deplete so much that when he returned, I would always take him back. It took me a long time to regain my self-love and make the choice to break free from this toxic relationship. As a result, I was able to strengthen my self-love and my build my confidence back. When that happened, my life began to change and new positive relationships started to pop up.
Through self-love you trust yourself to create healthy boundaries and stick to them. Self-love also means that you love yourself enough to walk away when you’re not being loved or respected. When you have self-love you know that even through rejection, you’re still good enough.
4 – Patience
This is a hard one for most, even for me. Accepting that now might not be the right timing for you and a relationship can be a hard to comprehend. Watching your friends frolic in their love lives, even watching complete strangers kiss or hold hands in public can be painful at times and too much for those that are trying to exert patience. However, expressing impatience is not going to get your future partner to you any sooner.
Instead of resorting to panicking, throwing a fit or worse case, settling, take this time to focus on yourself. Explore things that make you happy and bring you joy. Use this time, to hone in on what makes you great. Focus on your career, take up a new hobby, and enjoy the time you have with your friends and your family. Even use this time to date (if that’s what feels right). You can learn a lot about yourself just from dating and about the characteristics you’re looking for in a partner. When you adapt patience, you learn that you do not have to settle.
By adapting these qualities of a successful dater, your feelings of fear, worry, anxiousness, panic and obsession will start to diminish. The fact that you’re not in a relationship will no longer seem as painful. You will begin to enjoy your dating experiences for what they are, while attracting potential partners that meet and/or exceed your expectations.