Archive for relationships

There Is A New Type Of Relationship. Find Out What That Is Here

Handsome man taking his girlfriend on bicycle rack

The way we experience relationships has changed drastically throughout the years.

My friend and mentor Charmayne Kilcup talks about the “New Energy Relationship” in her article, “The New Way to do Romantic Relationships.”

There are no rules in these type of partnerships.  Find out more here:  The New Way to do Romantic Relationships

 

How To Tell If You Have Found Your Soulmate

Will He Call Me?Previously, I highlighted 2 lists that could help you remove any blocks you have to love in order to be ready for your soulmate to come in.  Click here for that post.

With that being said, how will you know when you meet your soulmate?  Will you recognize them?

Check out this article by Higher Perspective that outlines how to tell if you have found your soulmate:

20 Signs You Have Found Your Soul Mate.

Still Cyberstalking Your Ex? Why He’s Not Cyberstalking Your Facebook

 

are you cyber stalking your ex?In a previous post titled, Cyberstalking Your Ex?  3 Proven Ways To Help You Stop, I talked about the downfalls of cyberstalking your ex and suggested 3 ways to overcome the impulse to check his social media everyday.

Wondering why he always seems to get over you faster?

Here is a continuation of why creeping on your ex is not healthy by Elephant Journal, Why Your Ex Is Getting Over You Faster.

4 Proven Qualities Of A Successful Dater

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How you ever tried to make a relationship “fit” even though it continued to disappoint you? Have you tried to turn a guy into the “one” even though he was far from it? Are you crippled when someone rejects you?

The journey through dating can feel like torture sometimes.   A journey, that can be bring about feelings of fear, worry, anxiousness, panic and sometimes even obsession.  But what if you could diminish some of those horrible feelings and start to enjoy your dating life?

In Kathryn Alice’s article Dating Done DifferentlyKathryn endorses 4 qualities that can turn dating into a potentially enjoyable experience.  Whether you’re spiritual or not, it’s important to look at these qualities as fundamental dating qualities that can be applied universally, regardless of belief.

The 4 qualities of a successful dater are as follows:

1 – Faith  

Faith can mean many things to people, for the purpose of this article, faith to me means; trust. Trusting that the right person for you will come. When you trust in what is happening to you and have faith that you’ll meet the right person for you, you begin to relax and stop trying to force things to happen. There are so many people who settle for relationships due to lack of faith. Often times these relationships are created based on fear of loneliness. With faith, you no longer feel the pressure to settle for someone who is not compatible with you. Instead, you trust in yourself and that the type of relationship you want will come.

2 – Honouring 

Honouring is, accepting yourself and others for who they are.   Eliminate the need to project your characteristics of the “one” to try to mould your date into something they ‘re not. One of the best practices I have implemented in my dating life is honouring. It can be extremely difficult not to project the fact that you want the next person to come along to be the “one”, especially if you’ve been single for a while. It’s important to be present with each person you date and experience them, for who they are and not who you want them to be.

Be honest with your date. If you don’t see the relationship going forward, tell them. In turn, if someone tells you they’re not interested, trust their words. As much as I can, I am open, honest and clear with the men I date. If I am not interested, I do not leave them hanging or string them along. I communicate with these men, as I would want to be communicated with.

Whether it’s because of our lack of faith, depleted self-love or ego, we can get stuck on trying to convince someone to like us or even love us.   Pining and trying to convince someone to love you can distract you from being available to someone who is actually interested. Do not manipulate rejection to mean you’re not good enough. Rejection only means that the person was not the right fit for you.

3 – Self-love

A lot of people find the term “self-love” to be cliché but it is actually an essential part of successful dating. When you don’t love and respect yourself, disaster ensues in your dating relationships.   You often enter and stay in relationships that you would not otherwise have been a part of.

I was in a 5.5-year relationship a few years ago that was plagued with lying and deceit. The man I was dating at the time would break up with me at least once a year and use this time to have sex with and date as many girls as possible. Each time he would break up with me, my self-esteem would deplete so much that when he returned, I would always take him back. It took me a long time to regain my self-love and make the choice to break free from this toxic relationship. As a result, I was able to strengthen my self-love and my build my confidence back. When that happened, my life began to change and new positive relationships started to pop up.

Through self-love you trust yourself to create healthy boundaries and stick to them. Self-love also means that you love yourself enough to walk away when you’re not being loved or respected. When you have self-love you know that even through rejection, you’re still good enough.

4 – Patience

This is a hard one for most, even for me.  Accepting that now might not be the right timing for you and a relationship can be a hard to comprehend.  Watching your friends frolic in their love lives, even watching complete strangers kiss or hold hands in public can be painful at times and too much for those that are trying to exert patience. However, expressing impatience is not going to get your future partner to you any sooner.

Instead of resorting to panicking, throwing a fit or worse case, settling, take this time to focus on yourself. Explore things that make you happy and bring you joy. Use this time, to hone in on what makes you great. Focus on your career, take up a new hobby, and enjoy the time you have with your friends and your family.   Even use this time to date (if that’s what feels right). You can learn a lot about yourself just from dating and about the characteristics you’re looking for in a partner. When you adapt patience, you learn that you do not have to settle.

By adapting these qualities of a successful dater, your feelings of fear, worry, anxiousness, panic and obsession will start to diminish.  The fact that you’re not in a relationship will no longer seem as painful. You will begin to enjoy your dating experiences for what they are, while attracting potential partners that meet and/or exceed your expectations.

 

 

 

 

Overanalyzing Your Dating Relationship? Apply The Law of “F*ck Yes Or No (Adult Content)

Beautiful and pensive young woman with sticky note on her forehe

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you struggle with the decision of whether or not to go out with a guy?

Do you stay too long in your dating relationships in hopes that things will change?

A friend of mine had passed along an article that talked about The Law of “F*ck Yes or No” over a year ago and I have been using it ever since, with great success. Blogger, Mark Manson talks about this law in an article “F*ck Yes Or No.”

In this article, The Law of “F*ck Yes or No,” “states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say, “F*ck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.”

Although this law is also applicable to relationships, sex and friendships, what I like about this law is it takes out a lot about the ambiguity, guessing and overanalyzing that comes with dating.

Let’s look at some examples where The Law of “F*ck Yes or No” can be used in your dating relationships.

Example 1:
You’re out with your friends one night and to your surprise an attractive guy starts up conversation with you. Before you know it, two hours have passed and you’re still talking. You’re excited and very attracted to this guy and lucky you, he asks you out! You say to yourself, “F*ck Yes!!” There is mutual interest here to get to know each other.

Example 2:
You have gone on a few dates with a guy and things seem to be going well. You have a lot in common and have so much fun when you’re together, but weeks can go by and you don’t hear from him. He pops in and out of your life like a yo-yo and you’re never sure where you stand. This is a clear, “F*ck No!”  There is too much ambiguity and frankly lack of interest stemming from this relationship. In order for it to be a “F*ck Yes,” this guy needs to be reciprocating your enthusiasm.

Example 3:
You’ve been dating a guy for a few months. He tells you you’re the only one he is dating but he is not ready for a relationship, something that you have expressed you want. STOP HERE, this guy does not want what you want. Regardless of if there is chemistry there, you’re not on the same page or life timing. This is a “F*ck No.”  Do not forgo your needs and wants just because you think a guy is going to come around. If you have communicated what you want and he’s still not able to deliver, move on to someone who can.

Example 4:
You and a co-worker have been hanging out a lot at work. You take lunches together and spend most of your days messaging each other and flirting. When you go home at night, the messaging continues right up until you go to bed. You cannot get him out of your head and you’re really interested in pursuing him seriously. The one problem is he has a girlfriend. He says he’s not happy with her, but is waiting for the right time to break up with her. You think that it is only a matter of time before he breaks up with his girlfriend for you but that day never seems to come. What you should be saying in this situation is, “F*ck No.”  This guy has a girlfriend, for one.  He also has not backed up his words with action and broken up with his girlfriend.  He is expressing no regard for her feelings by flirting and carrying on a text relationship with you, what makes you think he wouldn’t do that to you? This man is unavailable.  Open yourself up to someone who is available, not someone who is juggling two people at once.

My rule of thumb generally is; if you’re questioning it, don’t do it. Stay out of the grey area and use the onset of the grey area as a huge red flag. Don’t force yourself to go out with anyone you don’t really want to or that you have to question where you stand. Focus on pursuing dates that you’re genuinely interested in and that compliment that interest back.

Most of the time our gut and initial reactions are a pretty good barometer to determine if we should go out with someone. But what about the people who are slow to warm up, or are intimidated by first dates? Could this law stand in the way of you actually being with someone really great? How do you know when a second date is warranted? Trust your gut on this one. If you have a date with a guy and in all regards it went well, but you’re still unsure, there is nothing wrong with going on a second date to feel the situation out. But pursuing dates, just because you think the person will change, come around, or you have the illusion that you can grow to like him; you’re likely going to end up being disappointed and wasting both of your time.

Mark put it perfectly with the following questions.

“Let me ask again: Why would you ever be excited to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? If they’re not happy with you now, what makes you think they’ll be happy to be with you later? Why do you make an effort to convince someone to date you when they make no effort to convince you?”

“What does that say about you? That you believe you need to convince people to be with you?”

Do not force something to happen, your dating relationships should ultimately happen organically and be mutual.

By implementing The Law of “F*ck Yes Or No,” you can eliminate a lot of the guessing and wondering as to if this guy is into you, or not. You stop pursuing guys that are not pursuing you back and as a result you begin to be open to guys that want to get to know you and be in your life. You further embrace self-love and create boundaries of what you’re looking for in your dating relationships and as a result you develop self-confidence and trust within yourself. Once you’re clear on your own boundaries, you naturally start attracting what you want back.

Again, as Mark says, “if you have to ask, then you have your answer.”

How To Manifest Your Soulmate: Use These 2 Lists To Remove Any Blocks You Have To Love

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Have you ever thought about what your ideal partner would be like?  Are you confident in what you would be bringing to the table when you do meet that partner?  Do you believe in soulmates?  If you could, would you want to know how to manifest your soulmate?

Kathryn Alice is a writer and teacher in the area of love and dating.  A friend of mine had actually met Kathryn two weeks before she met her soulmate and highly recommended Kathryn’s teachings. Whether you believe in soulmates or not, there is something to be said about the techniques Kathryn encourages her readers to undertake to manifest your soulmate and overall prepare yourself for the right partner to come in.

One article I read in particular was, Five Steps to Your Soulmate.  In this article, Kathryn reveals an exercise she uses in her workshops to help you manifest your soulmate.  The exercise helps to remove any blocks you have to love so that you can be open for your soulmate to come in.  For the purpose of this blog post I will not be going through all the steps but focusing on Step 3: MAKE TWO LISTS.

What I liked about this step in particular is it really challenges you to hone in on what you want in a partner and reflect inward on yourself and what you ultimately bring to the table.  It forces you to confront those relationships that did not work for you, in order to truly understand what characteristics are crucial for you when it comes to a partner.

The 2 lists Kathryn encourages singles to make are the following:

In list 1;

  • Create a list of characteristics your soulmate has. For example, is your ideal partner ambitious?  Funny?  Is he respectful?  Does he want kids?
  • Create a list of characteristics your soulmate doesn’t have. For example, Does he lie?  Does he hate dogs?  Does he not want kids?

Pretend this person is standing right in front of you, how would they treat you? What values do they have? What are your deal breakers?  The way you build this list is to look back at your past experiences with dating and relationships and re-evaluate what worked for you and what didn’t work for you.  Another way to help build your list is to take a look at those relationships you admire; what are some of the characteristics you would want in a partner that you see in others?

Creating this list helps you to truly manifest what your future partner would be like as if they were standing right in front of you today.

In list 2;

  • Create a list of what you bring to the partnership.

Making this list in particular will tell you a lot about yourself.  Are you confident in what you would be bringing to a partnership?  Making this list is a true expression of self-love because it provides an opportunity to talk about how great you are (which you are).  This can be hard for a lot of people.  If you run into difficulties, try writing down what you think your friends would say about you or get a friend to help.  It’s important to feel confident in what you bring to the table to ensure readiness for your soulmate to come in.

Participating in exercises such as this one is a great way to be clear on what you’re looking for in a partner and most importantly an amazing opportunity to get a pulse on how you feel about yourself.  As human beings we’re not always comfortable turning the focus inward, this is a great exercise to get comfortable with being vulnerable and loving towards yourself.

Perfectionism and Dating Don’t Work

Female face before plastic surgery operation

In the perfectionist culture we live in today it’s hard not to be bombarded with thoughts of, “Am I good enough?” and “What will they think of me?”  Maybe some days you question, “Will he even like me for me?”

Our culture tries to convince us that through perfectionism we will attain true happiness and joy.  The culture further instills thoughts in our heads that if we are perfect enough, we’ll have no problems finding and keeping a great partner.

We are led to believe that,

  • If we were skinny enough/fit enough;
  • If we were smart enough;
  • If we made more money and were more successful, then we would be happier.

The sad part is, the list of perquisites for being perfect goes on and on.

Perfectionism and dating doesn’t work.  By incorporating the pursuit of perfectionism into our dating lives, we can derail our relationships before they even get started.

I am going to go out on a limb here, but despite our individual thoughts on perfection, perfection is boring.  It is not authentically you.  No one wants to date a robot; someone who cannot laugh at their own mistakes and freaks out at the slightest thing that “goes wrong”. Ultimately no one wants to date someone who takes life so seriously that it strips the joy and fun out of their lives and the lives of those that are in their proximity.

By pursuing perfection we often become obsessive and never satisfied, because in reality, what is perfect?  It’s all relative to the person.  We ruin amazing opportunities for great people to get to know the real, authentic person within, because we’re always striving to essentially be something that we’re not.

When we try to attain perfection, we always end up disappointed and feeling unworthy.

Now there is a difference between perfectionism and striving to be the best possible version of you.  Perfectionism is something that society has dictated as the way we’re meant to be and you subscribe to that belief and consequently take action to become that ultimate being.  On the other hand, striving to be the best possible you, means to me that, you feel generally:

  • Comfortable in your own body;
  • That you feel joy with the work that you do everyday;
  • That you feel successful;
  • And that you feel good enough, as you are.

The fact of the matter is, you will never be perfect but you can be perfectly you.

I am one person that has always struggled with a perfectionist mentality, always wanting to be the prettiest, funniest, smartest and most intelligent ideal version of myself.  It’s frankly exhausting and an existence that can be often times plagued with anxiety.

What I’ve learned is, by letting go of what people think or what I thought they were going to think of me, I became happier and more confident.  By letting go of the perfectionism and the need to appear perfect all the time, I could relax and really hone in on what really made me great, imperfections and all.  The act of letting go was a true expression of my own self-love.

You see, perfectionism and dating doesn’t work because no one is perfect.  By allowing ourselves to be seen for who we really are, we’re presented with an immense opportunity to find a partner who loves us for who we are, not some non-sustainable version of you.  But the best part is, by letting go and allowing ourselves to be seen, we begin to love ourselves whole-heartedly, no mask.

 

 

 

 

Online Dating And What Could Be Delaying You From Finding A Partner

worried teenager browsing the internet

Does online dating overwhelm you?  Do you jump from one first date to the next?  Do you worry that you’ll make a mistake by choosing the wrong person?

Recently, I watched a promotional show for the second television season of, Married At First Sight.  Now before you laugh, I was even surprised I got sucked into the show, entirely thinking it was going to be another typical reality dating program.  What I found interesting was the experts approach to relationships and their analysis of why it’s so hard these days to find the right partner.

The concept the experts continuously refer back to is, the paradox of choice.

Psychologist, Barry Schwartz first launched this concept in a 2005 Ted Talk.  Schwartz’s paradox of choice essentially says that too many choices can be all-consuming, often resulting in paralysis, loss of satisfaction and an escalation of expectations.

The paradox of choice really got me thinking about the downfalls of online dating and the correlation to the concept.

With online dating, the following tends to happen:

  1. People are treated as expendable

For some, it’s so easy to go online to find a date or even someone to have sex with.  Despite a date going well, if the progress of the relationship is going remotely slow, we have no hesitation about jumping ship because we know another candidate online can replace them. On the other side, we have so much choice, why narrow it down to one person, ever?

  1. The grass is always greener

It seems like it takes a lot to get someone off their dating profile these days.  We look for this glorified picture perfect person in our heads and never seem satisfied.  Consequentially, we can be over critical of those we meet in the process.  It can almost become addictive to sift through profiles.  The thought of missing out on someone “even better” can create a vicious cycle.

I mean look at all the choices you have.  You have your free pick of the perfect guy:

  • Sitting next to a drugged tiger;
  • Laying on his bed;
  • Shirtless and staring into the mirror;
  • Posed at the gym;
  • Blowing smoke into the camera;
  • Sticking his middle finger up;
  • And holding his penis;

Why look any further?

All jokes aside, there are also a ton of great men and women online dating that find it hard to find the right partner amidst thousands of dating profiles.  How does one choose at all with so many choices?  Is the idea that we could be missing out on something better hindering us from truly bonding with a great potential partner?  Does the fact that we have all these choices assist in fostering idealized pictures of a perfect partner in our heads?

To combat against the paradox of choice, it’s imperative to know what you’re looking for in a relationship and in a partner.  To organize your thoughts, write down a list of characteristics that are “must have’s” and “deal breakers” in a partner.  Also, make a list of what characteristics and attributes you bring to the relationship.

I believe there could be truth behind the struggles we endure via online dating based on the paradox of choice. Maybe we have such high expectations and too many choices, we do not see great partners for who they truly are and their ultimate compatibility with us.

With that being said, the spiritual side of me would say, the right thing will come, regardless of a surplus of choice.

…It just may take a bit longer.

 

 

Combating Self-Doubt In Relationships

Young pretty woman

When someone you care about tries to tear you down, instil fear or self-doubt in your mind, whether that is a family member, friend or someone you’re dating, it can literally feel like a dagger to the heart.

We have all encountered those people who, no matter what, they just cannot seem to be happy for you.  Instead of words of encouragement they always seem to find things that are “wrong” with what you’re doing or saying.  They point out things that other people may not necessarily even think to notice or comment on.  It’s almost as if they want you to feel insecure so that you don’t succeed. Their actions and words are subtle.  Words of encouragement are quickly followed by phrases such as; Are you sure?  That is not how I would do it.  Maybe you should do (insert blank) instead.

These are the types of people who truly catch me off guard.  They are life leaches holding on for dear life, living in a place of fear wanting to suck everyone else in with them.  They don’t necessarily do it intentionally, but have you ever heard the term, “misery loves company?”

These are the people who don’t necessarily live for passion, success, growth and development, they live in fear and for comfort.  How people choose to live their lives is their own business as far as I am concerned.  It’s natural to be worried about someone you care about but to place self-doubt in another because it’s not how you would go about your life, is misguided.

Combating self-doubt in relationships, can be hard when the person you care about start’s picking away at who you are and the way you live your life. In my friends and family relationships I have encountered some fear and hesitation around the quitting of my corporate management job to pursue my writing and coaching career.  I suppose their reactions most of the time came from a place of fear of my well-being.  They wanted me to be okay and I was doing something that was in essence outside of the box, with no assured outcome.  Some even tried to convince me to stay at my job or to become anonymous in my writing endeavours, despite my steadfast desire to pursue my dream.

In my dating relationships I have been lucky enough to say I have only encountered two individuals that ever intentionally/unintentionally tore me down.  I remember one guy in particular trying to literally quiz me on anything and everything to watch me squirm when I did not get an answer right.  It could have been a math question or the location of a country on a map; it didn’t matter.  They were such obscure questions and he would do it in such a manner as to catch me off guard, by asking me out of the blue, in inopportune times.  He wanted to prove a point to me, he was smarter and I was not.  The less intelligent he thought I felt, the more inclined I would be willing to stay with him.  He wanted that control because of his own insecurities.

I quickly learned how insecure he was.  The act of him trying to break me down, really had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him and what he thought of himself.  He thought that the only way to keep me was for me to feel as insecure as he was.  Insecure people don’t leave.

When combating self-doubt in relationships, it’s important to understand that when someone expresses actions or words of self-doubt, belittling or fear towards you, it’s really not about you.  It’s not even necessarily how they actually feel about you or what you’re doing, it’s entirely all about them. 

How someone see’s themself really has an effect on how they approach the world and the people in their lives.  Those that live in a place of fear or insecurity tend to project that on others.  In my friends and family example, their response to me, is really coming from a place of love and fear.  However, in my dating example, this is an abusive and controlling approach.  It’s important to remove yourself from people’s live’s who use subtle (or not so subtle) manipulation techniques to provoke insecurity in you.

Instead of letting someone’s words or actions break you down or delay you from pursuing your dream, have compassion for them and continue to follow your gut.  Combating self-doubt in relationships requires you to be extremely selective of the people you keep in your circle and if they’re not adding value and positivity to your life, have the strength to walk away.

Believing in yourself and trusting your gut through these moments will ultimately help guide you.

 

 

 

 

 

Lying Over Text: Has The Texting Era Created Bad Liars?

Young woman holding smartphone and looking at it. Focus on phone

Do you catch yourself lying over text more than you would in person?  Does lying over text feel easier than telling the truth?

I was reading this article a friend sent me today by Elite Daily titled, Stop Texting: It’s Actually (Scientifically And Psychologically) F*cking Up Your Life.  The article talks about how texting is f*cking up everyone’s lives but the part I found interesting was the concept that texting has created bad liars.

It’s hard enough to tell if someone is lying in person, but over text we’re entirely in the dark. Over text, the correspondence does not involve any facial expressions or social queues.  How is one to decipher all the messages or lack there of?  With that being said, because we’re literally in the dark, I could see how lying over text may be easier than lying in person.

But is texting actually making the act of lying easier?

A study talked about in the article, How Texting Turns Us Into Liars via Fast Company & Inc., found that you can to some degree tell if the person you’re texting is lying based on how long they take to text you back.  The study had 100 students have conversations with computers that asked them 30 questions.  The subjects were asked to lie in half their responses over text. The study found that respondents took 10% longer to write the deceitful texts and had to edit their messages more than the truthful texts.   The fact that is takes more brainpower and time to send deceitful texts seems like a huge waste of time.  So why do we continue to lie?

We’ve all been guilty of:

  • Purposely not clicking on a text message in order to hide that we actually read it;
  • Responding that we’ve been busy all day and did not receive the text message until “just now”;
  • Responding that we never received the text message…at all.

When someone expresses any of the above to me I know they’re most often lying, I just can’t prove it.  Hell, even I have used some these excuses before.

In the texting era your phone is literally your home phone, alarm clock, calendar; it’s your life. Who is really going to believe you didn’t see a message coming through?

Logically the person could have been busy, but why not just respond by saying you were busy, instead of saying you didn’t receive the text?  Why lie?  On the other side of the lie, we ignore the lie and let the perpetual cycle continue.

The main reason I have lied about receiving a text in the past is simply because I am not in the mood to be texting and don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings. I would imagine that is the case for most people.

Whatever your reason is for lying over text; to spare someone’s feelings or buy some response time, it really doesn’t matter, just as long as you know, the person on the other end knows you’re likely lying.  Either way, it’s extremely important to eventually communicate and manage that person’s expectations go forward.  Try even telling the truth for once and see how that feels.  Most people are very receptive to the truth when you’re open and honest.  Honesty sets the stage for healthy communication and will ultimately save you a lot of time.

People have been lying well beyond the texting era.  Does the texting era make it easier to lie? Potentially, but I doubt the act of texting is going to f*ck-up anyone’s life.