Archive for sarah kotz

No One Is You And This Is Your True Power

Today, instead of comparing yourself to another, what if you focused on how amazing you are? You have your own unique journey to explore. When we compare and try and live our lives through someone else’s journey, we dim our own internal light.

No one is you and this is your true power.

When it comes to dating and heartbreak, it can be tempting to look at the person our ex is newly dating and think; what does she have that I don’t?

The answer is, nothing.

You’re not comparable. If he’s not with you, he’s not the one for you. She’s not better than you; he’s just not the right one for you. It’s not about her, and him being with her, doesn’t make you any less amazing.

No one is you and this is your true power.

You want someone who is going to choose you, for you. And remember, you choose them too. Why would you want someone who does not choose you back?

Obsessing over what she has that you don’t have only distracts you from how great you truly are. Think about it this way, she doesn’t have anything that you have, because you are uniquely you.

No one is you and this is your true power. You are most powerful, as you.

Don’t live a life trying to be anything other than your ultimate self. Don’t waste another day living a life that doesn’t speak to your true passion and who you really are. Instead of spending your time comparing yourself to others, work on spending time mastering your own internal love and journey.

You’re already enough, just as you are. This world is so lucky to have you, when you believe that, you’re unstoppable.

Post Breakup Strategies: You Only Have To Worry About Getting Through Today

I HATE that feeling post breakup when you wake up in the morning and for a split second, you’ve forgotten that you’re broken up and no longer going to see that person again. Then the memory of your recent breakup comes flooding back in and you’re in utter hell. It’s like the breakup has happened all over again and your heart feels as if it’s been ripped out of your chest. Why even bother getting out of bed? And some days I didn’t.

There tends to be a lot of pressure to move on immediately post breakup. Some of that pressure is pressure we place on ourselves to forget our ex and stop the horrible pain we’re experiencing. The other part of that pressure, is our friends and families not wanting to see us in that perpetual pain and encouraging us to move on as quickly as possible and get “back in the game.” Getting “back in the game” is the least of your worries right now.

One of the best and simplest strategies I have employed post breakup is to just worry about getting through that day. Sometimes that meant staying in bed if I needed to and having a movie day.

You ONLY have to worry about getting through today.

Thinking about what’s going to happen months ahead, a week ahead or even a day ahead can be overwhelming, resulting in you feeling paralyzed in bed, unable to even start your day at the thought of trying to handle this breakup.

You don’t need to figure it all out today. You ONLY have to worry about getting through today.

Post breakup, focus on what you can do today to make you feel as comfortable as possible. Maybe staying in bed, cozy in your pjs and watching movies is what you need to do today. What would distract you just enough to take some of that pain away today? What would make you laugh today? What is something fun or soothing you could do for yourself today? Who could you call today that could just “be” with you, no stipulations and no pressure?

When we start focusing on what we need to do, to just to get through today, some of the anxiety and overwhelming feelings start to dissipate. Focusing on getting through today is more manageable. You don’t have to worry about what’s going to happen tomorrow right now. You just have to focus on what you need to do, to get you through today, as best you can. Whatever that may be, there is no judgment. Be as compassionate as you can with yourself during this time.

You WILL get through today and you WILL start feeling better.

All you need to worry about today is you and what will make you feel as comfortable as possible to get through this day.

Experiencing heartache? Contact me here.

Post Breakup Strategies: What To Do

Okay so you feel like you’ve lost your best friend. They might as well have died, because it’s as if they did.   Not being able to see them and talk to them anymore can feel like pure torture. You want to see them but at the same time the thought of running into them unexpected is horrifying, especially if it’s with someone else (let’s not even go there right now). You’re struggling to even get out of bed today and you don’t know where or how to start your day because everything feels different now. Your heart feels as if it’s been ripped out of your chest and you’re struggling to catch up and breathe.

First of all, breathe.

As much as it’s hard to comprehend post breakup, there’s a reason for everything and this pain and heartache will pass.

In the meantime, you may be asking; what can I do to alleviate some of this pain?

There are 4 Post Breakup Strategies I highly recommend for you to implement immediately.

Okay, try getting up and starting with #1:

  1. Remove any memorabilia from your sight (pictures, flowers etc.). This doesn’t mean you have to trash everything that reminds you of your ex. Do what feels right for you. If throwing out certain things that remind you of your ex doesn’t work for you, or you’re not ready, put anything that reminds you of your ex out of sight in a box or in a closet. It makes it even harder to get through the initial stage of a breakup if you’re constantly being reminded of your ex when you walk into a room. That brings me to my next breakup strategy.
  2. Change the energy of your rooms/Move your furniture around. This works surprisingly well and immediately! Change the position of the furniture so that again, when you walk into that room, it’s no longer an immediate reminder of your time with your ex. Create new energy to the room that is only yours. This could mean even repainting the room or buying some new furniture. Check out these feng shui your bedroom techniques here. 

Okay now to the even harder part.

  1. Delete your ex of your social media. There’s always a bit of controversy around this post breakup strategy. However, you’re broken up for a reason and most of the time that means you won’t be a part of each other’s lives anymore. As hard as that is to hear, even if you can be friends down the road, you can’t immediately be friends with your ex unless you’re both OK with seeing the other person date someone else, that’s likely not going to happen over night.

Contrary to most knee jerk responses to this advice, if you’re meant to be with this person in the long run, no amount of deleting will deter them from being with you. You 100% cannot mess it up with the right person. Repeat that to yourself.

Having your ex on your social media is like a heart attack waiting to happen. Again, you have both decided to go your separate ways for a reason, why would you still be privy to their personal lives on social media or even want them to see what you’re doing? Before you know it you’re posting passive aggressive posts about finding a REAL man or over the top “fun” photos of you and your friends while you flirt with other guys. It doesn’t really make sense and it’s frankly torture for you.  With social media, you don’t know what you’re going to see and when you see it, you don’t even know what’s really going on. It’s all interpretive.

Delete your ex of your social media. Create some space for you to heal. Having your ex on your social media only delays you from moving and can sometimes create further drama and animosity.

Again, if this person is meant to be in your life, it will come back around. Right now your number one focus is on you and your healing.

  1. The No Contact Rule/Ex Detox. The no contact rule is exactly as it reads, no contact. Post breakup, I recommend a 30-60 day period of no contact with your ex. Depending on your perceived level of seriousness of the relationship this time can vary.

What does no contact mean? No emailing, calling, texting or accidentally bumping into your ex.

The no contact rule creates a space for clarity for that relationship and breaks any perpetual cycle of breaking up and getting back together. Even if you’re thinking you want to get back together, take that initial 30 days of no contact to be clear on your feelings. Often times, after implementing your ex detox, you may find yourself wondering why you even went out with this person to begin with!

So what do you do while implementing the no contact rule? GET BUSY. Sometimes in relationships we get so caught up in the partnership, we lose our sense of self. This is a chance to get back to you and what you love. Enlist your friends to go on a fun trip, start a new exercise routine, ask to take on an extra work assignment, get that furry friend you always wanted. Anything that brings you joy in this time, do that!

Breakups are a true test of our love and faith. Trust what is happening to you and trust that this moment will pass. The pain cannot last forever and it certainly will not. Your job is to only get through today. Try not to worry or think too far ahead in the future right now. Focus on the immediate, tangible things that you can do today to bring you back to you and your happiness.

This moment will pass and you will be okay. Trust that.

Recurring Patterns In Relationships: If You Don’t Learn The Lesson Now, It Will Return And Return

I have this old piece of paper on my fridge. I have no idea who gave it to me or where it came from but it lists “7 universal/spiritual laws”, one of which always stands out to me when it comes to dating and relationships.  It speaks to the recurring patterns in relationships we often face while learning our life lessons.

If you don’t learn the lesson now, it will return and return.

It’s really as simple as that. If you have a lesson to learn in life and/or in a relationship, it will certainly keep coming back around until you get it right.

Do you notice a recurring pattern in the type of people you date that you’re not happy about? It could be that you’re meant to break this pattern. Have you tried dating different types of people? Have you tried taking a break from dating and focusing on yourself? When patterns form it’s a good queue to really reflect inwards. Ask yourself, what am I supposed to be learning?

Do you feel like you’re on this hamster wheel and it just keeps going around and around and you’re not sure how to get off? Do you complain all the time that things are not changing but you’re not making the steps to change anything in your life? To learn a lesson sometimes requires action. Change is not always easy, but if you’re being called to make a change, there really should be no other choice but to push through the fear of change and face what is meant for you. Sometimes the choice we have to make is often packaged as the scariest choice.

Does someone keep coming into your life and you’re not sure why? When someone keeps coming back into you’re life, it’s either because you’re meant to work on things together or that you missed something the first time around that prevents this person from being released from the incessant universal pattern. Again, why do you think this person is being called to be in your life? Do you have unfinished business? Do you struggle with letting go? Are there feelings still there that were never resolved? Are you in a place where you’re now ready to give the relationship a chance? This recurring relationship pattern is happening for a reason, explore what this means for you. Ask yourself the hard questions.

Are you stuck in a relationship that is no longer serving you and you’re constantly hitting roadblocks to remind you that you shouldn’t be there? Being in a relationship that is not meant for you is painful. It not only hurts your soul to out stay that relationship but it hurts the other person too. The longer you stay, the longer you’re putting what is meant for you on hold. The longer you stay; you’re stunting your own personal growth and your ability to experience amazing new connections. Do you have a fear of being alone? Are you afraid to hurt the person you’re in a relationship with?

There are tons of ways the universe speaks to us when we’re being called to learn a lesson; one of those is recurring patterns in relationships. If you choose to ignore those recurring patterns in relationships, it only delays the inevitable.

If you don’t learn the lesson now, it will return and return.

The best advice I can give you is to ask yourself the hard questions, learn the lesson and take action where necessary. The quicker we begin to soul search and really take the time to learn the lesson, the quicker we move on to what is meant for us…and the next lesson.

 

Uncertain Times In Dating AND How To Handle The “Not Sure”

Knowing what to do when you don’t know what to do, can be extremely anxiety provoking, especially when it comes to the uncertain times in dating.

I have at times been in what I believed to be a perpetual black hole;

Not sure what was going to happen with “Him.”

Not sure what was going to happen in my career.

Not sure where I was meant to live, you get the point.

The times of “not sure” are times of great uncertainty and can be quite uncomfortable. The biggest test in these times is finding the strength to continue to move forward with life, to live life each day still not knowing exactly what is going to happen with the intention that soon, everything will come to light.

You see, you’re not always going to have the answers right when you want them. How you handle these uncertain times and especially the uncertain times in dating, can really determine your level of anxiety and the ability to live and function in the moment.

In times of “not sure,” there is a great opportunity to either explore or let go and let what is meant for you come to you in perfect time.

When you explore you’re still allowing what is meant for you to come in, it just means that if it feels right, communicate with him through these uncertain times and even ask for clarity. In your life, explore new career opportunities or talk to a mentor. Travel or take a road trip to different cities/towns that you have never been to before.

Sometimes you’re not going to have all the answers right away, even in the midst of exploration.

You’re not going to know, until you’re meant to know.

Fighting the “not sure” only creates even more anxiety and will not get you the answers you seek any sooner.

So as best you can, embrace this time of “not sure” and allow what is meant for you to come in when it’s meant to.

 

 

Are You Making Your Life About THE Relationship?

Do you live your life thinking everything will change once you have the relationship of your dreams in your life?

For certain, your life will change immensely when your partner comes into your life. Relationships are all about lessons and growth, helping us to meet our full potential.

But that person in reality is not going to be perfect themselves and will not be able to ascertain your life path for you.

You are responsible for your own happiness. You are responsible for doing the work needed to ensure you’re living your life to your up most potential.

If you didn’t love yourself before your partner came in, your self-love struggle will still exist beyond the relationship.

I have at times put so much emphasis on “the relationship” because I can energetically feel what it would be like to be with him. It’s like “the relationship” is the final destination you live your life for.

The anticipation before your partner comes in can be exciting and perplexing at times. There can be a lot of build up in your mind. There is a tendency to place more emphasis on the relationship coming to you, then anything else. You may have the idea that the relationship is the only thing to bring you ultimate happiness.

What I am starting to understand even with my person in my life, is that true happiness and love comes from within.

As much love as you hold with that person, you’re still tasked with following your own personal destiny, something that should be important to you to fulfill.

Putting yourself first and foremost can be scary because everything feels much safer in the mindset of “the relationship.” However, when we focus on ourselves, live our lives in love and in purpose, we in turn become better partners and better lovers.

When we love ourselves first, our lives are no longer about “the relationship,” our lives are about two loving souls sharing a partnership in life.

 

 

 

It’s Not Your Job To Save Someone

I have had a pattern in the past of staying too long in some of my relationships with men. They say all the right things but are often incapable of fully opening up and being present.

Because I have the gift of seeing the good in everyone and their potential, it takes me a while to remove myself from these men’s lives. I have this inherent need to help them get to the next step, to state the obvious (well obvious for me) and assist in coaching them to meet their up most potential.

It never works. They either end up shutting down or running away.

What I have learned is; it is not my job to save them. It’s my job to insure I am doing MY work and getting to where I need to be. You cannot do the work someone else is meant to do. They will get there if/when they’re meant to. No amount of pushing or coaching will help get them where they need to be any sooner.

You can only be there to love and support them within your relationship. If that relationship falters and is no longer working for you, it’s time to let go (you will feel and know when you have had enough). The right person for you will come back around, if it’s meant to. If it does not come back around, it’s not meant for you.

It’s hard to see someone you care about struggle through a life event. All you want to do is be there for them and take that pain away. But that pain is there for a reason, to teach them a lesson and to get them where they need to be, in their own perfect time.

Learning to accept that each person has their own individual path and you cannot save them or speed up their own unique process, has been a huge eureka moment for me.

It’s not your job to save someone. Focus on yourself and getting to where you need to be, everyone that is meant to be in your life will meet you there.

 

 

Waiting For Him To Call You Or Message You?

Some food for thought when you’re waiting for him to call you or message you:

  • Whether or not he calls you or messages you should not make or break your life. If he doesn’t call or message you, you will find someone who will.
  • Why are you waiting around for him to call you or message you? Get busy. Do something to distract yourself. Time is not going to pass any faster by sitting by the phone.
  • Stop trying to read too much into patterns of communication. Just because he wrote you every hour of every day last week, doesn’t mean this week is going to look the same. Life has ebbs and flows. Don’t always base whether or not you think you’re going to hear from a guy on patterns of communication.  Not hearing from him for few hours or a day doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll never hear from him again. As best you can, try to relax and not put time pressures on the evolution of your relationship.
  • What are you waiting for? In cases where you want to talk and are just questioning if you should message or call him, why can’t you talk? Why does he always have to be the one initiating? If you never initiate, how is this guy ever going to know you like him? It’s OK to initiate from time to time. If you feel like talking, call him or message him. I’m sure he would love to hear from you.
  • Stop trying to interpret his social media while you’re waiting for him to call you or message you. It’s interpretive. Unless you hear from him directly, do not make assumptions.
  • Try not to overanalyze the last time you talked or saw him. The last thing you said or talked about ultimately will not make or break a relationship that is meant to be.
  • If you don’t hear back from him, it’s his loss. You don’t want someone who isn’t going to talk or make an effort with you.

Do You Have Self-Love? Try These Self-love Exercise’s

It’s extremely hard to make anything work in your dating life when you don’t have self-love.

Placing pressure on someone else to fulfill the inner love that you do not have for yourself, can be a lot for a partner to handle. This pressure often results in the implosion of the relationship.

The journey to true self-love is a long one, a journey that is often tested with multiple detours and lessons along the way.

So how do you know if you have self-love to begin with? Let’s start with how you would answer the following questions in one of these two self-love exercises:

  • Do you feel like you lose yourself in your relationships?
  • Do you make the relationship all about the other person first and foremost?
  • When faced with a break-up do you feel like a piece of you is missing?
  • Do you always think your partner is going to leave you for someone better?
  • Do you feel devastated and paralyzed when you hear about someone not liking you?
  • Do believe yourself to be beautiful/handsome (by your own standards)?
  • Do you generally feel happy with your life?
  • Do you make time to take care of your mind and body (unique to each individual – i.e. yoga, gym, meditation etc.)?
  • Is it hard for you to believe when someone compliments you?
  • Do you believe in yourself?
  • Do you believe you’re loveable?

Take the time to really reflect on your answers to these questions. Remember, the journey to self-love is ever evolving, be gentle with yourself.

Next, try the following self-love exercise.

  1. First, write down all the characteristics you would want in your ultimate partner. These characteristics can be a combination of physical, emotional, spiritual, and intellectual – whatever you feel most drawn to.
  1. Next, write down all the characteristics YOU bring to a partnership.

I have found these self-love exercises to be extremely telling. You may find it harder to make the list of characteristics you bring to a partnership if you’re struggling with self-love. If you’re truly struggling, ask a friend to help you start populating the list. Sometimes outsiders can bring a fresh perspective to our over critical selves.

Self-care is an essential piece in maintaining self-love. When I talk about self-care, I am not just talking about hitting the gym, I’m talking about taking time out to recharge and relax. We spend so much time racing around in our lives, trying to please other people and meet the next big milestone, we don’t take the time out needed for ourselves. Even if it’s just a nice warm bath every night before you go to bed, take the time you need to love your mind and body.

It’s so important to know first and foremost you’re already good enough and no partner determines if you’re loveable or not.

All you can do is strive to be the best possible version of you every day.

When we love ourselves first, we more easily identify what is good or bad for our highest good.

When we immerse ourselves in self-love and self-care, the stresses and relationships that used to bring us to our knees, no longer seem as life critical.

 

You Will Never Regret It When You Speak Your Truth: The Truth About Communication In Relationships

The only thing one can truly regret in relationships are the words we didn’t have the courage to say.  

Communication in relationships is imperative to maintain a healthy, long-lasting partnership. Being afraid to tell your partner/date how you feel and therefore keeping your innermost thoughts and feelings a secret, doesn’t make a relationship any stronger. In fact, withhold sharing your thoughts and feelings can actually work against you to stunt the growth of your relationship.

Sometimes we can get caught up in “the timing is not right to communicate,” “it’s too early to communicate,” or we expect the other person to just “figure it out.”

People are not mind readers and neither are you.

Especially in cases where things appear not working out for you in your relationship, the best thing you can do is constructively, compassionately and authentically communicate with the other person. Once you have done that, you know you have done all you can do. It’s now time to see what the other person does with this communication.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with communicating as long as it comes from a place of love and authenticity.  Ensure that you communicate your feelings as true to how you feel as possible and not as to put blame on the other person.  You always have control over your own feelings, communication is the first step to ensuring you get what you want out of your relationship.

If you’re worried that by communicating with someone you will lose them, that is just not possible with the right person.

When in doubt, communication in relationships is the best resolution to any ambiguity or problem you may face with your partner/date.