Archive for worrying about your relationship

4 Proven Qualities Of A Successful Dater

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How you ever tried to make a relationship “fit” even though it continued to disappoint you? Have you tried to turn a guy into the “one” even though he was far from it? Are you crippled when someone rejects you?

The journey through dating can feel like torture sometimes.   A journey, that can be bring about feelings of fear, worry, anxiousness, panic and sometimes even obsession.  But what if you could diminish some of those horrible feelings and start to enjoy your dating life?

In Kathryn Alice’s article Dating Done DifferentlyKathryn endorses 4 qualities that can turn dating into a potentially enjoyable experience.  Whether you’re spiritual or not, it’s important to look at these qualities as fundamental dating qualities that can be applied universally, regardless of belief.

The 4 qualities of a successful dater are as follows:

1 – Faith  

Faith can mean many things to people, for the purpose of this article, faith to me means; trust. Trusting that the right person for you will come. When you trust in what is happening to you and have faith that you’ll meet the right person for you, you begin to relax and stop trying to force things to happen. There are so many people who settle for relationships due to lack of faith. Often times these relationships are created based on fear of loneliness. With faith, you no longer feel the pressure to settle for someone who is not compatible with you. Instead, you trust in yourself and that the type of relationship you want will come.

2 – Honouring 

Honouring is, accepting yourself and others for who they are.   Eliminate the need to project your characteristics of the “one” to try to mould your date into something they ‘re not. One of the best practices I have implemented in my dating life is honouring. It can be extremely difficult not to project the fact that you want the next person to come along to be the “one”, especially if you’ve been single for a while. It’s important to be present with each person you date and experience them, for who they are and not who you want them to be.

Be honest with your date. If you don’t see the relationship going forward, tell them. In turn, if someone tells you they’re not interested, trust their words. As much as I can, I am open, honest and clear with the men I date. If I am not interested, I do not leave them hanging or string them along. I communicate with these men, as I would want to be communicated with.

Whether it’s because of our lack of faith, depleted self-love or ego, we can get stuck on trying to convince someone to like us or even love us.   Pining and trying to convince someone to love you can distract you from being available to someone who is actually interested. Do not manipulate rejection to mean you’re not good enough. Rejection only means that the person was not the right fit for you.

3 – Self-love

A lot of people find the term “self-love” to be cliché but it is actually an essential part of successful dating. When you don’t love and respect yourself, disaster ensues in your dating relationships.   You often enter and stay in relationships that you would not otherwise have been a part of.

I was in a 5.5-year relationship a few years ago that was plagued with lying and deceit. The man I was dating at the time would break up with me at least once a year and use this time to have sex with and date as many girls as possible. Each time he would break up with me, my self-esteem would deplete so much that when he returned, I would always take him back. It took me a long time to regain my self-love and make the choice to break free from this toxic relationship. As a result, I was able to strengthen my self-love and my build my confidence back. When that happened, my life began to change and new positive relationships started to pop up.

Through self-love you trust yourself to create healthy boundaries and stick to them. Self-love also means that you love yourself enough to walk away when you’re not being loved or respected. When you have self-love you know that even through rejection, you’re still good enough.

4 – Patience

This is a hard one for most, even for me.  Accepting that now might not be the right timing for you and a relationship can be a hard to comprehend.  Watching your friends frolic in their love lives, even watching complete strangers kiss or hold hands in public can be painful at times and too much for those that are trying to exert patience. However, expressing impatience is not going to get your future partner to you any sooner.

Instead of resorting to panicking, throwing a fit or worse case, settling, take this time to focus on yourself. Explore things that make you happy and bring you joy. Use this time, to hone in on what makes you great. Focus on your career, take up a new hobby, and enjoy the time you have with your friends and your family.   Even use this time to date (if that’s what feels right). You can learn a lot about yourself just from dating and about the characteristics you’re looking for in a partner. When you adapt patience, you learn that you do not have to settle.

By adapting these qualities of a successful dater, your feelings of fear, worry, anxiousness, panic and obsession will start to diminish.  The fact that you’re not in a relationship will no longer seem as painful. You will begin to enjoy your dating experiences for what they are, while attracting potential partners that meet and/or exceed your expectations.

 

 

 

 

Are You In a Reciprocal Relationship? Find Out Here

Posted 02/05/15 by Sarah Kotz and filed under:

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Reciprocity can differ depending on the type of relationship you want.

Do you believe you’re in a reciprocal relationship?

If you want to have the ultimate committed relationship where you feel so loved and cherished, a relationship where your partner actively attempts to meet you on all levels (emotionally, physically, sexually, spiritually), it’s imperative that you feel you and your guy have a mutual understanding and foster a cooperative relationship together.  Both of you have to nurture the relationship and frankly want it.  It’s a partnership where both people are invested and accountable.

If your guy does not feel that the relationship with you is of importance or a priority, nothing you can do will make it better.  The relationship is no longer equal and ultimately not what you want.

  • Do you feel like you’re doing most of the work in your relationship?  Are you the one who is initiating and planning the dates all the time?  Do you always initiate contact?
  • Do you question if your partner is committed to you?  Do you question if he’s still seeking out other dates and/or talking to other girls?

If any of these questions have crossed your mind, you may not be in a reciprocal relationship.

There’s an easy way to clear up these questions and that is to have an open dialogue with your guy.  Often times the right guy will put your mind to ease and clear up any stories you may have been perpetuating in your head due to triggers.

There is a chance that this guy is in fact seeking out other dates and is not ready for the type of relationship you want.  If that’s the case, it’s OK, you need to know this so that you can move on and meet a guy who is truly ready.  Keep in mind, people are not perfect, you’re not going to know what he’s thinking unless you ask and he’s not a mind reader!  Reciprocal relationships are built on respect, each of you has to be honest with each other or the foundation breaks down.

After you’ve built a foundation and gone on a few dates with your guy, you will explore if this is a relationship you both want.  In the least, you will know if the guy is into you because he will be initiating more dates and wanting to delve deeper into getting to know you better.  From there you can develop the level of commitment and reciprocity that meets both your needs.

In a true reciprocal relationship you won’t be questioning the level of commitment he has to you.

How To Stop Overanalyzing Your Dating Relationship And Live Your Life

Posted 01/26/15 by Sarah Kotz and filed under:

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When you initially start dating someone it’s easy to get caught up in overanalyzing your dating relationship. Instead of embracing and living in the moment, women often get caught up in worrying about where the relationship is going, if he is dating someone else and when and if you should call him or initiate conversation.

Like many, it can be even harder if you have had some bad failed relationships before.  It’s pretty much a given that you will most likely carry some triggers into your next relationship that could breed some initial insecurity.  It’s important to be conscious of these triggers, acknowledge them but be aware as to not let old feelings ruin new potentially positive relationships.

If you’re worrying about whether or not to text a guy you’re newly dating, you’re thinking about it too much.  

Take a breath and stop over analyzing your dating relationship.

If you want to talk to him, talk to him.  If you entirely pull back and play games by always having him initiate he’s going to pick up on what you are doing and most likely lose interest.  Just be yourself and talk when you want to talk.  The timing of your text and what you say when you text really is not going to make or break your relationship with someone.

Next, for the first few dates with your guy you’re really just getting to know him. Don’t worry about if he’s dating someone else or not, if he really wants to be with you, those girls will fall off anyway (whether they exist or not).  If you’re that concerned if the guy you are seeing is dating someone else, it’s OK to ask.  There is nothing wrong with having open dialogue with the guy you’re dating.  Just be prepared for whatever direction the answer takes you.  Most guys will tell you the truth and if he doesn’t, well you will eventually find out and then you can ditch him for being the douche that he is.  At the end of the day, I will repeat again, if this guy wants to be with you, he will ditch all the girls he was initially talking to and/or dating when he met you and do everything he can to ensure you feel confident in your relationship with him.

The best advice I can give you if you find yourself spinning out of control and overanalyzing your dating relationship is:

1.  Do Not Read Into Things

This is easier said then done but your guys actions and words will speak for itself, not everything has a hidden meaning or message.  Trust your gut and do not look for things that do not exist.  If he says he will call, he will call.  And if he doesn’t call, well then you have your answer; he’s not the one.

2.  Be In The Moment

Take things day by day with your new guy and really get to know him.  You’re choosing him just as much as he’s choosing you.  You will soon find out where things are going and if this relationship has serious potential.

3.  Communicate  

If you’re really questioning your relationship and the guys motives, talk to him.  There is no sense guessing where your relationship stands when you can easily find the answers by asking.  Note, this is after a few dates and you have acquired some sort of standing relationship with this guy, it’s too soon to ask where you stand after only one date.  Talk to him when it feels right not just because you’re triggering.

The more time you spend overanalyzing your dating relationship and your actions, you jip yourself and the guy you’re dating of getting to know the real you and having fun!  No one wants to date someone who is stressed out all the time and can’t be themselves.   Focus your time and energy on this fun and exciting time of getting to know someone and everything will fall in place how it’s meant to.